Illustration by Mark Dancey
Illustration by Mark Dancey

!Ask a Mexican!

Dear Readers: The Reconquista has arrived! On May 1, ¡Ask a Mexican! comes out in book form gracias to the literary madmen at Scribner. Expect more of the same, but más: more essays, more illustrations from Mark Dancey (the gabacho who created this column's logo) and more questions. Below are just a sample of the preguntas the Mexican answers exclusively in his book, broken down by chapters. Want the answers? Buy the book!

What is it about a pirate-themed football team from Oakland, of all places, that makes Mexicans so crazy? Okay, so they used to have a Hispanic coach and a Hispanic quarterback. Any other reasons?
Cleveland Brownie

Can you trust a Mexican with your sushi?
Sayonara, Uncle Sam

I used to work at a neighborhood center that serves the Latino community in San Francisco. I noticed that a large number of the Mexican and Central American people I met smelled strongly of laundry detergent. Additionally, Mexican guys love their stinky cologne. Can you explain this?
Stinkin' Sammy

Why are Mexicans "proud" to be from Mexico when their country is such a filthy cesspool of lying, thieving, child-raping whores? I mean, especially once they make it to the U.S., why don't they say, "Whew! I may have been born there [Mexico], but I'm sure glad I got outta that shithole!"?
Mexicans Suck Rick

I am originally from the South and resent country music. Are there Mexicans who are from Mexico and resent that trilling, wailing, accordion-blaring music the same way? Are there kids of Mexican immigrants who can't stand the crap their parents play, the same way me and my friends couldn't stand Ronnie Milsap? Are there Mexicans who think the music similarly reflects stereotypes of being rural, poor and less educated?
Achy Breaky Corazón

Why do we always think Mexican men drink tequila and sing mariachi tunes, while the women are pretty señoritas?
Viva México

How am I supposed to like Mexicans that come here by just jumping a fence and running or sneaking onto a transport truck entering this country illegally, when you have law-abiding immigrants working their ass off to come to this country legally?
Love the Mexicans but Hate the Border-Hoppers

Why don't Mexicans ever drop their Spanish? Even third- and fourth-generation Mexican Americans still speak the language to some degree or another. I speak Japanese, but I'm losing it quickly, and when my mother passes on, so will my language. The typical Asian American kid may attend Chinese, Korean or Japanese school on Saturdays, but guess what? They do it because their parents force them to attend, and I bet they speak English during recess.
Feeling a Bit Nippy

Pre-order your copy from today, or get a copy at your local bookstore next week. Keep reading this column to find out when the Mexican invades your town—or, better yet, visit or for updates and contests. Buy the book, por favor: I need to pay off my coyote!

ORANGE COUNTY READERS! Meet the Mexican Thursday, May 3 at 7 p.m. at world-famous Librería Martínez, 1110 N. Main St., Santa Ana, (714) 973-7900. Let's laugh, fight, eat free food and knock back some tequila!


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