Why are Mexican women so incredibly hot in bed? There seems to be an absolute animal hunger that manifests once the lights go out. Please explain.
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I wanted to rip your culo apart for believing gabacho stereotypes of spicy señoritas—all the Mexican women I know are either 27-year-old virgins, married mujeres who don't masturbate, or my sister—but you're on to something: a Pfizer survey released last month ranked Mexican couples as the most sexually satisfied people on Earth, with 74.5 percent of respondents declaring their love for el sexo. So who's right? Both of nosotros. You can reconcile my findings and Pfizer's by remembering the infamous duality with which Mexican men imprison their women: the Madonna and the Puta. It's a psychological split noted even amongst sexologists (the International Encyclopedia of Sexuality noted Mexican women "were dichotomized into the two double-moral-standard subtypes of the princess and prostitute") and one that assimilation can never fully erase from the Mexican psyche—and there's nothing wrong with that at all. Mexicans want womenfolk to remain virgins as long as possible, not because of a repressive patriarchal system, but because everyone should delay sex until they're physically and emotionally mature enough to deal with the consequences. Once some pendejo works his pito into a woman's panocha, however, Mexican ladies take the flip side of purity to heart and aspire to become whores. They're no longer Marian; they're free from machismo's ridiculous restraints.
Why do Mexicans cover their candies with chile powder? That's not candy—that's hell.
Cultural food traditions originate from a region's native resources—what else explains America's affinity for tacos?—and the numerous types of chile peppers in Mexico mean we spice up everything. Soups. Beers. But especially candies, which range from fruit dusted with chile powder to chile paste that kids squirt directly onto their tongue. Chile candy love, like nearly all of my answers in this column, comes courtesy of the ancients. In the 1996 book, The True History of Chocolate, authors Michael and Sophie D. Coe described how Aztecs and Mayans enjoyed their chocolate drinks best by spiking them with chiles ranging "anywhere from mildly pungent to extremely hot." Going further, the Coes tried out an ancient chocolate recipe for themselves and wrote, "We . . . can assure our readers that it is very good indeed." The Coes knew what us Mexicans know, but most gabachos refuse to accept: combining sugar with spice is the pinnacle of the most refined palate. The dual notes of heat and sweet open the taste buds and allow eaters to better appreciate both flavors. Besides, great cuisine involves contrasts in tastes—if you like your grub straightforward with no nuance, you might as well live in the Midwest. Or be Guatemalan.
Got a spicy question about Mexicans? Ask the Mexican at firstname.lastname@example.org. And those of you who do submit questions: include a hilarious pseudonym, por favor, or we'll make one up for you!