Illustration by Mark Dancey
Illustration by Mark Dancey

!Ask a Mexican!

Dear Mexican,
What do Mexicans really think of Americans turning Mexico into Fort Lauderdale? Do Mexicans not care if
gabacho college students embarrass themselves during spring break because they will gladly take our money? Would a Mexican stop it if he could? Am I giving Mexicans too much credit?
Coat Check Girl and Honor Student at Smith College

Dear Gabacha,
Gracias for the plug! The Mexican will give a keynote lecture April 6 at Smith College for their Latina Heritage Month festivities. It's right before Smith's spring break, so hopefully many chicas calientes will remain to refry this bean—or at least you, Coat Check Girl. But most will probably join the more than 100,000 students that the American embassy in Mexico says invade our southern neighbor each spring. Be forewarned, though: Mexicans will take only so much ribaldry. I refer you to WeeklyMexico correspondent Dave Wielenga's excellent March 9 article "Too Much Cabo Wabo," warning spring breakers that various gabacho pastimes like public drinking, fights and "corrupting a minor—even a sexy one—are very much against the law" and will earn offenders a stay in Mexico's hellish prison system.

These college students are a double-edged sword: on the one hand, Mexicans must wipe up their vomit, blood, semen and pissbut that same effluvia funds jobs and billions of dollars in revenue. So what's a Mexican to do? Easy: move to el Norte and do the same damn thing. Let the gabachos experience the same conundrum—overtax their way of life, but reward them with slave labor and sweat instead of tits and beer bongs. And then make the Guatemalans clean up after us.

Why do Mexicans like to spit everywhere? Is it because they are disgusted at what they see or is it just clearing their throats?
Loogie Lad

Dear Gabacho,
Speaking of bodily fluids . . . while we can hock phlegm with the best of them, spitting isn't exclusively Mexican. My Bally's Total Fitness used to have a sign in English, Spanish, Korean, Vietnamese and stick-figure-ese warning patrons not to spit on the jogging track. But if you insist, Loogie Lad, blame pollution. Last week, the Environmental Protection Agency reported that Californians breathe the second-dirtiest air in the country, and that Orange County residents are almost twice as likely as other Americans to suffer from cancer because of it. Other world cities notorious for spitters, like Mexico City, Mumbai and all of China, are similarly polluted. The body's natural response to irritated lungs and throats is to expunge excess saliva, but our lungs and throats are already so blackened that we don't even notice the cancer air anymore. Many Mexicans, on the other hand, come from the countryside, where the air is as pure as their daughters. Want to cut down on public spitting? Easy: tell Dubya to support the Kyoto Protocols.

Got a spicy question about Mexicans? Ask the Mexican at And those of you who do submit questions: include a hilarious pseudonym,por favor, or we'll make one up for you!


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