Illustration by Mark Dancey
Illustration by Mark Dancey

!Ask a Mexican!

Dear Mexican,
I've tried to get my Mexican wife to trim her pubic hair down to a landing strip, but I couldn't convince her. I was once able to get her to shave it completely, and it looked great, but now she won't even trim it! I don't even ask anymore. Can you please clarify this for me? Is trimming the pubic area taboo in Mexican culture?

Panocha Paul

Dear Gabacho,
The hairy Mexican pussy existed until a generation ago, when feminine grooming was still the—what shall we call it?—bailiwick of slutty gabachas. Times have changed: a recent survey from the bushmasters at Remington shows 67 percent of ladies under 45 shave their hoo-hah. The study doesn't break down the numbers by ethnicity or class, but Kristi at Newport Beach's Studio 486 beauty salon can vouch for Mexican gals pampering their panocha. "I'd say a third of my clientele is Mexican," she says. "I get Spanish-only speakers, little chola girls, rich women, older ladies—all kinds." Although she subscribes to the theory that many immigrant women were taught to "not touch themselves down there," Kristi says the most guilt-ridden ladies are actually Indian and European. "The main reason women wax nowadays is they like to feel clean and it makes them feel pretty," Kristi adds, "and that applies to all races." If your wife allows her rose to bloom too much, Panocha Paul, she either isn't interested in you anymore or she's auditioning for the Hirsute Honeysporno series.

Get your snatch sculpted at Studio 486, 435 Old Newport Blvd., Newport Beach, (949) 650-0265;

Whatever happened to the "lazy Mexican"? Now all I hear is that they're taking our jobs.
Ronnie Racist

Dear Gabacho,
Isn't that the stupidest paradox? Really: How can someone simultaneously be a yeoman and a layabout unless he's Shaquille O'Neal? But accusing ethnics of being both is America's most cherished immigrant insult. Every group felt its contradictory sting: Chinese (opium smokers or railroad coolies), Irish (drunks or ward bosses), Scandinavians (oafs or Vikings), Italians (slum dwellers or Mafiosi), Jews (rag-picking parasites or international bankers) and now Mexicans. The insult's popularity draws its venom from our Puritan forefathers, who considered life outside of labor sin: it's a miracle the phrase on Auschwitz's gate, Arbeit Macht Frei(Work Brings Freedom), isn't inscribed on the Capitol Dome. What's strange, though, is how modern-day gabachos forgot the Protestant work ethic long ago; meanwhile, immigrants continue to pick up Max Weber's flame without forgetting to enjoy life. Bested in both works and pleasure, gabachos seethe, grow fat and elect evangelicals—and don't get me started about faith without works and its relationship to American sloth.

Got a spicy question about Mexicans? Ask the Mexican at And those of you who do submit questions: include a hilarious pseudonym,por favor, or we'll make one up for you!


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