DEAR MEXICAN: I found your 2009 column about Mexican men and spousal abuse, and my question is: Is there any help for this to ever end? I've been with a Mexican man, who is also an abuser of alcohol, although it has slimmed down some. He gets angry out of the blue and starts hitting on me; he later realizes what he has done and cries. I had to leave him for my protection, but the feelings between us remain, and I don't know what to do with the situation. Can you provide any comments or help?
DEAR ABUSED: Get out of that relationship—now. But before you leave, coat that pendejo's toilet paper with habanero powder, so he gets the burn in the culo he deserves.
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DEAR MEXICAN: How do Mexicans feel about environmental issues? Specifically, a population explosion that will cause eventual food shortages? I am told that procreation is a very macho thing for the Mexican male. You have even mentioned in the past that men do not perform oral sex on women because it's not important when having children. How does that way of thinking weigh in with regard to the future of the planet?
El Blanco Pedro
DEAR PEDRO GABACHO: Malthus called—he wants his crackpot theory back. Besides, the gabacho love of suburbia proved far more toxic to the environment than any 12-child Mexican mom ever did, so vete a la chingada con your faux environmental concern.
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OPEN LETTER TO OUR NEW PRESIDENT: Gentle cabrones, as I write this, the Mexican still doesn't have a feel for whether Hillary Clinton or Donald Trump (or neither?) will be the next president of the United States (the Mexican has to file his columna a week before actual publication—viva dead-tree journalism!). In the interest of not looking more pendejo than usual, I'm writing three open letters to ensure I get the results right—enjoy!
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TO PRESIDENT HILLARY CLINTON: Congrats on beating that pendejo Trump—you're now the greatest female savior of Mexicans since the original Santa Sabina, the legendary curandera for which the Goth-Mex band was named. But that's not enough. Do not inherit the title of Deporter-in-Chief from Barack Obama. Realize that the only reason you won is because raza overwhelmingly voted for you—and we want results besides appointments of token vendidos (although do give a cool gig to Congressman Xavier Becerra, a truly down Chicano). Don't pay attention to all the Know Nothings who insist on enforcement before amnesty. There are millions of Mexicans up here who have lived their entire lives in limbo, and it's your job to save them. And if you do that? We'll create a new altar to you at Tepeyac.
TO PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP: Congrats on beating that pendeja Killary—you're now the greatest unifier of Mexicans since Porfirio Diaz. Don't even try to deport 12 million people or build your nasty, small-handed wall. Back in the day, raza mostly stood meekly as presidents from Hoover to Roosevelt to Eisenhower to Obama enacted mass deportations—but those were honorable men. You're not. We will protest, we will resist, we will struggle, and we will take over elected offices the way the Irish took over Boston. You hear me, President Pendejo? We ain't no sleeping giant—we woke, and we're ready to make your one term more pitiful than Enrique Peña Nieto. Oh, and #fucktrump.
TO NO RESULTS YET: No mames, America.