Stop the madness!
Stop the madness!
Richie Beckman

A Clockwork Orange: Cloudy With a Chance of Semen

Stevens Millancastro is accused of secretly ejaculating multiple times into a female co-worker's plastic water bottles, smearing semen on her computer mouse and keyboard, and inserting his man juice into her honey jar, by which I mean "her jar of honey" and not "her person."

It's a case filed by the Orange County district attorney's office that had me doing a double take when I read my colleague Gabriel San Román's recent Navel Gazing post, "Man Accused of Jizzing Into Woman's Water Bottles Three Times at Work." My jowl-shaking, Scooby-Doo-styled "Huh!?!" was not spurred by the nasty nature of the allegations, but rather the fact that they were so familiar.

That's because Your Favorite Cracker Jack Wind-up wrote extensively about Michael Kevin Lallana from his Aug. 12, 2010, arrest to his Sept. 14, 2010, not-guilty plea to his Oct. 28, 2010, citation as one of "OC's Scariest People" to his Feb. 22, 2011, trial opening to his Feb. 24, 2011, conviction by jury to his April 22, 2011, sentencing to his Sept. 27, 2012, appeal being heard to his Oct. 31, 2012, appeal loss reported by the DA's office to his Feb. 6, 2013, trip to jail to serve six months behind bars.

The married Fullerton dad and USC graduate's crime? Getting his splooge into a female co-worker's water bottle on two occasions, which were punctuated by the unknowing victim drinking it down both times.

I'd always figured this was a once-in-a-lifetime crime thought up by one sick pup. Then again, it never occurred to me until the recent headlines that jacking off in front of horrified women, squeezing the breasts of a sleeping beauty for a gag photo and exposing your near-retirement-age body to much younger female employees were things.

The idea that Lallana did what he did and Millancastro is accused of doing the same thing left me wondering how common secret spunking actually is. I did not have to look far to find my first example, as the Weekly's own R. Scott Moxley had written a year after Lallana's arrest that a then-31-year-old grocery-store clerk was accused of pulling off the same crime with a female shopper as the victim and Greek yogurt as his cum camouflage.

Six years ago, former El Jefe de Weekly Gustavo Arellano wrote about El Monte teacher Mark Berndt, who was convicted of secretly serving his elementary-school students semen. That brings to mind stories from this fall Nate Jackson and I did on state and federal agencies investigating whether handmade flutes distributed to schoolchildren across Orange County and Southern California had been tainted with an unnamed teacher's trouser gravy.

A little more digging revealed a Minnesota judge in 2014 presided over the case of a hardware-store employee who surreptitiously jacked off into a female co-worker's morning coffee for six straight months before she walked in on him over her desk; he quickly scooted away, and she discovered a puddle of love near her trusty mug. Get this: Hizzoner let the man off, ruling there were no laws on that state's books making it illegal to mix man chowder into another's drink.

Ten years before, in North Carolina, an administrative hearing was held for a dentist accused of injecting semen from a syringe into the mouths of six female patients. One victim testified that Dr. John Hall told her he was going to stop her bleeding by putting something in her mouth that would taste funny but that she could swallow it. He got jail time and lost his license to practice dentistry.

In light of all these cases, I looked into the psychology of men who would do such things, which led me to a most unexpected source: my own work. A psychologist told jurors that Lallana suffered from Narcissistic Personality Disorder, displaying a pattern of immature behavior, a need for admiration and passive-aggressive tendencies. During a cross-examination, the female psychologist cited passive-aggressive behavior Lallana displayed while a member of a USC Filipino club and his belief that Asian men are perceived as inferior to Caucasian men in the eyes of Caucasian women. His office co-worker who drank the tainted water is a white lady.

The psychologist had been called by the defense. Lallana's attorneys argued that Narcissistic Personality Disorder coupled with infrequent sex with his wife, her knowledge that he was masturbating at the office and stress from his home facing foreclosure meant he did not commit the battery for sexual gratification, but rather to relieve stress. The jury didn't buy it.

It could be that the other men also were/allegedly are afflicted with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Or maybe they're into gokkun. Japanese in origin, the sexual act has a man or woman consuming the male batter of one or more men from a drinking receptacle. Gokkun, which has reportedly been featured in as many as 140 hardcore-pornography videos made in America and 200 from Japan, translates roughly as the English word for the sound of swallowing: gulp.

At least those who unwittingly gulped or gokkuned can rest assured that the practice is not harmful so long as the deliveryman is not diseased. Seminal volume is 97 percent water and only 2 percent sperm, which contains fructose, Vitamin C, sodium bicarbonate, magnesium, phosphorus, potassium and, the content that accounts for a somewhat metallic flavor, zinc.

Jizzum is non-fattening but it does pack various proteins, amino acids and enzymes. Some label it an urban myth that men can change the flavor based on the food they consume, but, bringing this back to porn, former adult star Annie Sprinkle claims that of the 1,000 men she, uh, tasted, the vegetarians' seed tasted best. So long as they avoided asparagus.

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