MORE

5 Churches That Should Buy Crystal Cathedral

Drowning in debt, Robert Schuller's Crystal Cathedral is reportedly being put up for sale.

The American Independent surmises the mega-church's dire financial straits demonstrate conservatism is on the wane behind the Orange Curtain.

But rather than wallow in what used to be, we ought to be celebrating our future spiritual possibilities.

Consider these five churches that could takeover Crystal Cathedral, break out the Windex, rub the joint clean like it's a giant genie bottle, add a couple vintage blinking neon signs and unveil the type of palace of peity we can all be proud of again. Even those endangered conservatives:

5 Churches That Should Buy Crystal Cathedral

1) The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints
What they'd do to it: put that ubiquitous gold bugler on top.
New name: The Los Angeles Mormon Tabernacle Crystal Cathedral Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints of Anaheim-Adjacent.
Motto: "I see London, I see France, I see through your crystal-colored magic underpants."

5 Churches That Should Buy Crystal Cathedral

2) The Church of Scientology
What they'd do to it: install a stop for their secret underground monorail between Hollywood and the L. Ron Hemet HQ.
New name: Crystal Cruise-thedral.
Motto: "Making you crystal clear."
 

5 Churches That Should Buy Crystal Cathedral

3) The Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Orange County
What they'd do to it: gay it up.
New name: St. Simons and Jewish Lawyers Retained to Fight Sex Abuse Charges.
Motto: "Don't miss our all-male Glory of Easter Revue."

5 Churches That Should Buy Crystal Cathedral

4) Westboro Baptist Church
What they'd do to it: un-gay it up.
New name: Westboro Baptist Church of Southern California (or NAMBLA for short)
Motto: "Hatin' fags, fag hags, fag enablers, Fannie Flagg and dead soldiers since 2011."

5 Churches That Should Buy Crystal Cathedral

5) Church's Chicken
What they'd do to it: make it delicious.
New name: Pappy Schully's Fried Chicken & Biscuits with a Slab of Salvation.
New motto: "Behold the power of positive chickening." 


Sponsor Content

Newsletters

All-access pass to top stories, events and offers around town.

Sign Up >

No Thanks!

Remind Me Later >