14 Reasons Why the Angels Lost Game 1 of the ALDS

*The stupidest noisemakers ever, a thin piece of cardboard which fans were supposed to fold up like an accordion and slap them like a tambourine. Did some idiots complain about having to blow too hard to inflate the old ThunderStix, which worked so well in 2002?

*Stupid little kids who sing the National Anthem. That's not patriotism, that's anarchy.

*Joe Saunders and Jered Weaver (badly) lip-synching to a stupid Bon Jovi song on a video that played between innings.

*Howie Kendrick grounding out with the stupid bases loaded.

*Stupid Mike Napoli (0 for 4! Niiice!) swinging at pitches that should not have been swung at.

*Too-kind Angel fans who need to get meaner and nastier--Yankee-fan style!--in their taunting of Red Sox players. (Suggestion: for Jon Lester's next start, try yelling “THROW THE BALL, CANCER BOY!”)

*The stupid ghost of Donnie Moore.

*Trading for stupid Mark Teixeira instead of Jason Bay--just for last night.

*The stupid WHAT A YEAR! slogan painted on the dugout rooftops, as if the year is somehow over, and the team is just awaiting an inevitable postseason collapse. Why not bring back YES WE CAN! from the 1979 season? Does Obama have the copyright?

*Stupid Jacoby Ellsbury.

*Vlad Guerrero on first. Torii Hunter bloop to right! GO, VLADY, GO! No . . . wait, hold up at second! Don't go to third, YOU ALWAYS RUN LIKE ONE LEG IS SHORTER THAN THE OTHER! GO BACK! STOP, VLADY, STOP! AAAAUUUUGGGGHHHH!!!!!

*Stupid so-called fans who left after the eighth inning, when the Angels were only down by one run. Must really be stupid closeted Dodger fans.

*Stupid Gary Matthews, Jr. The lights got in his eyes?!?!?

*The guy a few seats away from me in section 515 who pelted one particularly stupid, obnoxious BoSox fan with candy after Jason Bay's 2-run ding. Next time, throw knives.

And 2 Reasons Why They'll Still Win this Series . . .

*In the 2002 postseason, they lost Game 1 of each series, to the Yankees, the Twins and the Giants, but they came back to win all three. Keep hope alive!

*Because the team with the best record in baseball should win the World Series, as opposed to, say, the stupid Dodgers, the team with the 13th best record in baseball, but who had the luck to be in a weak-ass division.


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