Virtual Pansy Road Game

By now, you're undoubtedly taken with the idea of starting a band and hitting the highway. But touring takes money, no matter how on-the-cheap you manage to pull it off. But why not really save moolah? Leave it to San Francisco-based Pansy Division, hardened warriors of many a road trip, to give you instructions on how to go the DIY route as a member of your own virtual band, right in the privacy of your home—you don't even have to know how to play!


This game is designed to give you the feelings and sounds of a typical Pansy Division day on tour.

WHAT YOU WILL NEED: one pot of coffee; bread; one clock with a timer; cheese; one uncomfortable chair with an upright back; five to seven pictures of cities; one multispeed hair dryer; one microwave; four sheets of typing paper; one guitar with a strap; one Queers CD; two sandbags; one large, awkwardly shaped box; one vibrator; four to six uninteresting action figures; one large steel pot; one half-full roll of paper towels; one small ice chest (filled); one 12-pack of beer; one bad-sounding radio; two to three Mortons microwavable dinners; one 50-pound weight; four filled ice trays; six wound extension cords; one ball-peen hammer; one large home stereo; seven bowling balls; one Blink-182 CD; one large bottle of vinegar; one cassette Walkman; one Pansy Division tape; 12 cigarettes; one Sharpie brand marker; one sleeping bag; two ashtrays (large and small).

STEP ONE: "Travel"

Wake up around midnight. Drink one or two cups of coffee, and eat two pieces of bread and one piece of cheese. Position the uncomfortable chair in the middle of the room. Take the two sandbags and put them at either side of your thighs. Set the vibrator at half speed and place it under your right butt cheek. Put the small ice chest in front of you and insert your feet. A bad-sounding radio (cassette player optional) should be placed in front of you and played at a loud volume. You may at any time change channels or turn radio on or off. Set the timer for five hours and stare at pictures of cities for the timer's duration.

STEP TWO: "Load In"

Take the large, awkwardly-shaped box and place the 50-pound weight inside. Lift the box by its side and carry for 60 steps (stairs optional). You must repeat this step at least eight times for full effect. Drink one cup of coffee. Take six wound extension cords, unwind them and place them across the room's floor.

STEP THREE: "Sound Check"

Stand in middle of room with the guitar fastened around your neck. Place one large steel cooking pot on your head and beat it with the ball-peen hammer for 20 minutes. During this exercise, you should yell at members of your family (having actual family members present is optional). Rewrap all extension cords and push the box contaning the 50-pound weight against a wall.

STEP FOUR: "Dinner"

Stand around room for a period of 20 to 30 minutes and yell, "So, what's goin' on?" approximately every five minutes. Unwrap the Mortons microwave dinner of your choice and place it in the microwave for 10 minutes. Sit at the table and eat your food within seven minutes.

STEP FIVE: "Opening Bands"

Sit in front of the large home stereo system with one bottle of beer in hand. Place the uninteresting action figures on the stereo system. Insert the Blink-182 CD into player. Turn the volume on the stereo system to about seven and push PLAY. Stare at the uninteresting action figures for the duration of the Blink-182 CD while mumbling, "God, they suck."

STEP SIX: "Going to the Bathroom"

Take one large bottle of beer and one large bottle of vinegar and splash them upon every wall in bathroom. If your bathroom has more than one light in it, you must smash them until only one remains. Take the half-roll of paper towels, empty it into the toilet and attempt to flush. Stand in the bathroom for eight minutes and then wipe your ass with typing paper.

STEP SEVEN: "Pansy Division Show"

Unwrap extension cords across the floor. Fasten the hair dryer at an elevated position so that it is pointed at your forehead. Set the hair dryer to high heat and low air. Take 12 lit cigarettes and make a circle with them on the floor. Put the guitar around your neck. Place headphones of cassette Walkman on ears. Insert any Pansy Division cassette into Walkman and play at full volume. Situate yourself inside the circle of lit cigarettes and jump up and down for 70 minutes.

STEP EIGHT:"After Show"

Sit down at the corner of any table with beer in hand. Take one sheet of paper and sign your name with the Sharpie marker 10 to 20 times while nodding and smiling. You should do this over a period of 30 minutes.

STEP NINE: "Load Out"

Rewrap the cables and repeat Step Two. After completion, stand around for 45 minutes while drinking beer.

STEP TEN: "Accommodations"

Stand in the hallway for 15 minutes. Sit down in the uncomfortable chair for 15 to 20 minutes. Grab the sleeping bag and walk 300 steps with it (up to six flights of stairs optional). Scatter the contents of one large ashtray across floor. Play a Queers CD at midvolume on a small portable stereo and have someone throw bowling balls down the hallway. Unroll the sleeping bag and place over ashtray contents. Take ice trays and place them on either side of the sleeping bag. Get into sleeping bag and attempt to sleep.

You win!

Watch for Pansy Division to make their annual OC tour stop sometime in the very near future.


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