I bet seeing Chuck D's photo below the headline "Top Five Worst Black Rappers Ever" almost made you shit your shorts, huh? Believe me, I love Chuck D. I just put him up there to grab your attention.
Remember when I wrote this post about the top five worst white rapper ever? And then remember how a bunch of ICP fans (also known as "Juggalos") got upset that I included Insane Clown Posse on the list and threatened me with physical harm? And then someone labeled me an anti-Semite? And then that crazy racist dude showed up and started dropping the N-word? Wasn't that fun? It was, wasn't it?
Well, let's do it again! But this time I'm going to rely on my scientific formulas and pie charts (also known as "complete nonsense made up just to generate a laugh") to come up with a list of the top five worst BLACK rappers ever!
Will someone call me a member of the Ku Klux Klan in the comments section? Probably! Find out for sure after the jump!
5. MC Hammer
Not because he made the majority of his money rapping poorly over Rick James' "Super Freak." Not because years later he would return as an aging and foul-mouthed gangsta rapper. And not because he used to wear pants that could hold 49 dumps before anyone could notice any difference. MC Hammer is on this list because of his contribution to the soundtrack of the 1991 filmThe Addams Family
... also known as the single "Addams Groove." It's a little known fact that this song killed Raul Julia. That, and his role as M. Bison inStreet Fighter: The Movie
. No shit. Look it up on Snopes.
4. Sir Mix-a-Lot
Odds are, you know every lyric to "Baby Got Back." Not only that, but you probably know every word of dialogue of the intro. Sadly, the lyrics are now completely ingrained in both pop culture history and our collective psyche. Doubt me? Can you read "my anaconda don't" without finishing it with "want none unless you've got buns, hon"? I didn't think so. The scariest part? When this song came out in the summer of 1992 it was No. 1 on the United States Billboard Hot 100 chart for five weeks in a row; for their year-end chart it ranked No. 2. For all of 1992! And in 2008, it ranked No. 17 on VH1's 100 Greatest Songs of Hip Hop.
You may have been able to brainwash us all, Mr. Mix-a-Lot, with your horrible rap stylings, but you will forever be remembered on this list as being one of the top five worst black rappers ever! Because I'm long, and I'm strong, and down to get the friction on! Wait... what did I just say?
3. Shaquille O'Neal
Non-musicians dabbling in rap isn't new, but pro basketball player Shaquille O'Neal has releasedfour
rap albums to date, each one just as horrible as its predecessor. Shaq was set to release his fifth studio rap album on--wait for it--September 11th, 2001. If that's not a sign of something I don't know what is. After months of delays, Shaq decided to pull the album because... you know, we had other terrible shit to worry about. In those dark days, we needed another Shaq rap album like we needed another anthrax envelope. Still, he does have skillz... and he knows it
2. TIE: Flavor Flav / Ice T
Alright, I know I'm probably going to get shit for these two, so I'll be brief: I love both Public Enemy and Ice T's early (pre-Body Count
) work. However, I truly believe that as soon as you do a reality show (Flav has three to his credit, Ice T is on his second) you completely negate everything you've done before it, especially when you built your career on being an anti-establishment, hard-assed motherfucker. "Yeah, the police are a joke! They don't care about us! Oh, and be sure to watch my new dating show on VH1!" Or: "I'm a new jack hustler! And I'm gonna prove it to you bybeating the shit out of this Mac with a hammer
! Hardcore!" Isn't it bad enough that Ice Cube is doing kids movies and Dr. Dre is pimping Dr. Pepper? Have all of my idols fallen?!?
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Sigh. Chingy. What can I say other than in addition to being a terrible rapper, his 2003 debut single "Right Thurr" officially destroyed the English language for the foreseeable future. Gone are amazing words like "there" and "where" and "here." Here to stay are "thurr" and "whurr" and "hurr." Or, I should say, "Hurr to stay....
Man, writing this post made me sad. I need another cleanse.
I feel better now. Let the racist comments begin... NOW!