Top Five DMX Songs to Help Earl Get Through a Future Jail Sentence

In light of DMX (aka Earl Simmons) getting arrested–yet again, even
though he was just released from jail last month, we have put together a
soundtrack of his own songs to help him survive in jail (since he is no
doubt headed back).

Caught doing 102 mph while in a 65 mph zone on Wednesday night, DMX was
cited for reckless driving, criminal speed, and driving on a suspended
and revoked license. He was later released on bond.

We figure if the law
is actually going to work the correct way, he'll be back in jail for
revoking one of the many probations he probably has. Earl has actually
been busted 10 times now in Maricopa County (which is in Arizona). It begs the question, will he ever learn? More importantly, it begs the
question: Will he ever move?

Top Five DMX songs to get Earl through a future jail sentence after the jump!

]

5. Here We Go Again The title speaks for itself in this track from DMX. He should put this on blast in his Beats by Dr. Dre because come on now, we all know “celebs” get special treatment. The lyrics speak for themselves as it tells a story of history repeating itself although, in much dirtier words. He says, “A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do/here we go again” and it's almost like he is psychic but he hasn't discovered his own powers yet. Weird.

4. Keep Your Shit the Hardest While DMX is bumping this you can just go ahead and insert your favorite “jail sex “joke here. The lyrics, “Nigga know the only thing I'm really scared of is slippin/ Lettin' a nigga catch you when I got my guard down,” don't really help either because it could sound like a shower love song…and grammatically crazy.

3. Lord Give Me a Sign Seriously Lord. Give him a f-ing sign already! Since nine children aren't “sign” enough, what kind of sign could he looking for? I'm guessing his pursuit of preaching didn't work out so hopefully he will find the “sign” he is looking for by pulling his head out of his ass.

2. What's My Name Yes once again, go ahead and insert your favorite “jail sex “joke here. The lyrics in this song make me wonder a few things: No. 1: Will Earl be mad at me for writing this list? No. 2: Earl can't drive from Ariz to Cali! Pheww! No. 3: When DMX says, “And you really don't know who you fuckin' with,” could the answer be inmate no. 255349742 aka “Bad Superman?”

1. The Professional Once upon a time we thought of DMX as a career rapper, now we might say he is a career criminal. “The Professional Law Breaker” is more like it. He even has a moment of clarity in this song spitting, “The only excuse for what I do, is love of abuse.” Maybe he needs to soak in his own lyrics.

On a side note: I am not sure that writing a song about the many ways he can sneak up on someone and kill them might have been so smart in hindsight. Something to think about, Earl.

Look, we might have been DMX fans and maybe it isn't your “go to” music now, but maybe we just expected more from the dog. We also do wish he'd get his shit together but until then, maybe a list of his songs that inspire (and inspired) his own actions will have to do. Party up!

​Follow OC Weekly's music blog, Heard Mentality, on Twitter @ocweeklymusic and like us on Facebook!
​