The Best of Riley's 3hree Things: He's BACK!

The Best of Riley's 3hree Things: He's BACK!

Last January, Riley Breckenridge, drummer of Orange County's favorite local alt-rock band Thrice and author of the snarky, often hilarious and mostly thoughtful column Riley's 3hree Things, took a hiatus due to family matters. On Tuesday next week, he'll finally be back to give us more of his take on life in Southern California as an OC native.

To celebrate (

because we missed him so much

), we're giving you a teaser--excerpts from three of Riley's best columns. Read on after the jump.

3. The Top Three Singles on iTunes And How Old And Out Of Touch They Make Me Feel

-Riley lists three songs he just doesn't get. Read the highlights of his discourse:

1) Ke$ha, "We R Who We R" - 6,326,213 views - The only things I know about Ke$ha are that typing the dollar sign in her name is maddening (and highly unnecessary), and that she looks like she probably smells like a dead stripper farting into a hobo's armpit.

2) Willow, "Whip My Hair" - 10,359,996 views - Will and Jada Smith's daughter says "I whip my hair back and forth" SIXTY-SIX TIMES in three minutes and forty-five seconds. You know what needs to happen 66 times in three minutes and forty-five seconds? NOTHING. AT ALL. EVER. Even the best things, like orgasms and bacon and laughter and all other sorts of amazing and fun stuff don't need to happen that many times in that short of a time span.

3) Far East Movement, "Like a G6" - 14,236,222 views Granted, I know that as a 35-year-old white male, I'm the polar opposite of the target demographic for this kind of music, but I feel like I should have the ability to at least process what I'm hearing and understand its appeal to the people that have watched the video 14 million+ times. I just can't. I don't get it. At all.

2. Concert-Goers That I Could Happily Do Without - Riley lists concert goers he hates. Here's an excerpt:

If I'm in the bathroom, it's to take care of business, not talk about the creativity (or lack thereof) of the opening band. The only "shooting-of-the-shit" I want to do in a bathroom is in a purely literal sense, and in that case, at least I'd have the protection of a stall wall to keep me from being verbally assaulted by a stranger. 

Bottom line: The only people I want to talk to when I have my penis in my hand are my girlfriend, and perhaps a physician of some sort. (Note: Not at the same time.) Let's save the small talk for when we have our flies zipped and our pants buttoned, folks.

1.  On Halloween (Plus: Thrice's Best Halloween Costumes!) - Here's a really interesting look at how rock stars really celebrate holidays. (Goofy ones, anyway).

The Best of Riley's 3hree Things: He's BACK!

We're all Star Wars dorks in some regard, with some of us being a bit more versed in Lucasfilm and literature dorkery than others (*cough* Dustin *cough*), so when the idea of having last year's Halloween show be Star Wars themed came up, we went all out. 

I relied on one of those poorly made, low-effort "costume in a plastic bag" X-Wing fighter costume that you can buy at any dump of a Halloween shop that pops up in vacant space at your local strip mall once a year, and I paid for it (literally, and figuratively.) Aside from it making me look like an upside down pumpkin in a diaper, it was basically an ill-fitting one-piece jumpsuit. When seated (read: drumming), any forward movement of the upper body would result in the most epic of wedgies. As you well know, drumming requires quite a bit of upper body movement, and in doing so, I ended up spending an hour on stage playing Thrice songs while vigorously flossing my ass crack with the crotch of a bright orange jumpsuit. Boo.


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