The Internet has been on fire with news that rapper Waka Flocka Flame wants to run for president. He actually said it back in 2012 on Twitter and even when we caught his official statement on April 20th (aka 420) that included, “The first thing that I'll do when I get in office is legalize marijuana,” well, we still had a hard time believing it was true. Upon hearing from Rolling Stone (a reputable source, no?) that Waka's decision to launch a presidential campaign is in fact reality, we started thinking and questioning, how stoned was he when he thought this up? Is this “campaign” making a mockery out of the race for presidency? Will 'Murica take this satire in stride? How hard is it for a celebrity to get 5,000 signatures anyway?
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Being that the folks who do run for president are so stiff, so serious, and so un Waka Flocka-esque, maybe it would actually be cool to have a young lad running the White House. And while we're one billion percent positive that not all Americans agree with the “maybe it would actually be cool” part, we thought we'd help plead Waka's case by highlighting a few of his platforms anyway. That way our fellow (and fella) Americans can ingest the details and then make their final decision on whether or not to vote for Mr. Flame when the time comes.
“A Blunt a Day Will Take the Pain Away.” – Waka Flocka Flame
Not just for glaucoma anymore, Waka knows that when faced with pain, hardships, or even when you want to celebrate, nothing's better than elevating your mental consciousness by toking a bit of our earth's greenery. It makes all that shit OK. With that said you might be thinking, “Hey Waka! What about kids smoking weed?” Not to worry because WFF's thoughts are very clear on that stating, “Schoolwork getting to hard? Don't touch the blunt. Think about it. Wait till' you're older.” Awww Waka loves the kids. And pot. But kids. Very sweet.
How Does Waka Feel About 4-legged Kids?
We all love our pets. Some of us even love them more than human children. But Waka? Well if he gets elected president, it will no doubt be interesting to be a pet owner because of his proposal. He has said, “I don't wanna see no fucking animal in a restaurant ever again” and to some of us, those are fighting words. But to be fair, we're not sure if he means it's still OK if we bring our “animals” in restaurants if he isn't around but either way, this stance is guaranteed to be a strike against him. Don't fret though Waka supporters, he certainly does grab us back to his side of the tracks with his views on big ol' freakish feet. Yeah size 13 and over, Waka's talking to you so hit the bricks.
School or Nah?
We have enough stupid people in this world and Waka knows that. That's why school matters to him and with his campaign, he's offering up a sweet way to get children interested in our education system. His pitch? To teach kids the cold hard facts of life by requiring them to learn his lyrics or else they fail. Brilliant! We couldn't agree with him more on this stance because “See Gucci, that's my mothafuckin nigga. I hang in the Dale with dem hit squad killers. Waka Flocka Flame one hood ass nigga. Ridin real slow bendin corners my nigga” should definitely be in the mouth of all babes. It's a must in the requirement department.
Is Waka 'Bout That Business?
You better fucking believe Waka is all about business! He has no problem showing his support by recognizing 1882's, Backwoods, and a good old fashion cup of coffee. When it comes to the cigars, it's a bit vague if he's a fan of the mild taste and sweet aroma or just a fan of the paper but either way, he backs it. On the flipside, Waka is not down with suits meaning that if WFF does get to the White House, there will be a rapid decline in the clothing industry. You might want to sell your stocks now just in case.
Woman's Rights?
Yeah. Waka's down for them.
What About a Sidekick? Everyone Needs a Sidekick!
We know you are all wondering, who's the peanut butter to Waka's jelly? Well wonder no more. It's none other than DJ Whoo Kid. Oh, you're not familiar with the man who is signed to G-Unit, holds down a show at SiriusXM, and globetrots with tons of fine bitches? Maybe you should get familiar with Whoo Kid, who when asked about being VP enthusiastically said, “I guess so, yeah.” OK maybe he is less than excited but don't let that get in the way of backing this venture because his first order of business if elected would be, “There's gonna be unlimited weed smoking.” So yeah, there's that. *We are unclear how he feels about kids smoking weed as calls to his reps have not been returned.*
Of course no campaign is complete without the proper “support schwag” so don't get left behind! Represent your choice for Waka Flocka Flame by going to www.Represent.com/waka2016 and rep on-line with the hashtag de jour #WakaForAmerica or #Waka2016. And lastly America, when voting day does come around, do the right thing and please use your vote wisely.
See also:
Steve-O Found a Way to Work Manginas Into His Stand-Up Comedy
10 Douchiest Guitarists of All Time
10 Douchiest Drummers of All Time
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Ali Lerman knows much about comedy, basketball, and celebrating Wu-Tang Wednesday. She’s been writing for sixteen years and still calls her mom with grammatical questions.
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