I don't believe in God, but if I did, I'd be thanking her right now for salvaging the upcoming NBA season. I mean, I tried to watch hockey, I really did, but I just can't hang with that shit. And my dad was born in Canada, so I should be able to get through more than three minutes without asking, "Where's the puck?" before changing the channel to "1 Girl 5 Gays."
Hockey indifference aside, there's a better reason to be thankful for the recently announced unlocked out NBA season and that's the fact that the more these dudes are balling on the court, the less they're rapping in studios. In case you don't believe me, here are five videos that prove just because these guys can dunk a basketball doesn't mean they have superhuman abilities at everything in life.
1. Allen Iverson, "Big Tigger"
Is former NBA all-star guard Allen Iverson really dissing Jay-Z on this track? If he is, that's some cajones right there. Ironically, Iverson isn't an embarrassment to himself on the mic, but attacking HOV? That's crazy if you ask me. Then again, Iverson always took the ball to the rack like a man and it doesn't surprise me that he's trying to knock the Jigga Man off his throne.
2. Ron Artest, "Champions"
I respect the man's decision to change his name toMetta World Peace
. I respect the man's defense. I'll always love dude for the three he hit against the Boston Celtics in the seventh game of the 2010 Finals. I think it took a lot of guts to shout out his therapist on live television after winning the title. Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut... I'm not sure how I feel about this track. It kinda sounds like something I'd hear while getting a lap dance at a strip club. On second thought, maybe I do like this one.
3. Kobe Bryant, "K.O.B.E. feat. Tyra Banks"
It's not that Kobe Bryant can't flow because, as this video shows, KB24's skills ain't half bad. Shit, dude even rhymes in Italian, which is pretty swag if you ask me. But when you're as good as Kobe is on the court, everything else pails in comparison. If anyone should like this, it's me. In February, when the NBA All-Star Game was in Los Angeles, I got a press pass and sat courtside during a practice that featured all 24 all-stars. My brother and I were the first two people standing next to the tunnel as the players walked out. The East was first and I saw LeBron James, Dwight Howard and Derrick Rose and thought, "Woah. I'm standing next to dudes I watch on TV every night. Pretty cool." Then the West came out and when Kobe walked by, I screamed "Kobe! Kobe! Kobe!" like a little girl at a Justin Bieber concert. I even put my hand to my mouth and jumped up and down.
4. The LA Lakers Rap All-Stars, "Just Say No"
You know that feeling when you realize your parents aren't invincible and just because your dad can teach you how to shoot a jump shot doesn't mean he's going to dominate whenever he steps on the court? It's like a punch in the gut when the man who spends his free time showing you how to use your off-hand as a guide gets blown past on defense by a kid 10 years younger, but that's exactly how I feel whenever I watch this video. The showtime Lakers are my team and if you want a problem with me, just say anything bad about this squad and it's on. That said, what the fuck is this video? The irony is that Kareem Abdul-Jabbar begins this anti-drug song, but Kareem's a known stoner. Then again, weed isn't a drug.
5. The Rock, "Cleveland Sucks"
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He's not a basketball player, but this song from the mid-2000s shows that professional- wrestler-turned-actor The Rock knew what NBA fans have known for years, which is that Cleveland sucks. They couldn't win with LeBron James and they sure as hell ain't winning this year without him. Thanks to this video, for once in my life, I can say that I do smell what The Rock is cooking. In fact, I agree so much, I think I'll have seconds.