What with all the concern over Bret Michaels' condition, I got to thinking: If someone were to make a Look What the Cat Dragged In-era biopic about the glam-metal band Poison, who would play the roles of each rouged-out rocker?
I know it's been weighing heavily on your mind as well, so I went ahead and put together this comprehensive list of the four most appropriate people to play these roles. When that fateful day eventually comes (which, with movies like The Back-up Plan being produced, it will) movie studios won't need to go through a slew of time-wasting casting calls to find the appropriate gang of glam-metal guy-girls. You're welcome, Hollywood!
Bret Michaels, as played by Tara Reid
Reid is ten times the rock star than Bret could ever hope to be. Where it took Michaels nearly a decade of fame and fortune to become completely ruined, Reid managed to do it within just a handful of years. She also has puking and plastic surgery down to a science, two integral aspects of portraying a believable Michaels onscreen.
C.C. DeVille, as played by Phyllis Diller
It's a little known fact that in the early days of Poison C.C. DeVille would borrow Phyllis Diller's wigs for the band's live performances. So who better to portray the most drag-queeniest band member in their biopic? Talk Diller to me!
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Bobby Dall, as played by The Progressive Lady
She plays bass while saving you hundreds on car insurance! This is a true case of life imitating art imitating life: Dall himself now works part-time in Pomona as a telemarketer for Progressive.
Rikki Rockett, as played by any of the creepy kids on "Little Miss Perfect"
Oh, man... I'm waiting for Chris Hansen of "To Catch a Predator" to kick in my door just for looking at that photo.