Britney Spears has had a busy week, announcing a pair of June SoCal shows as part of her Femme Fatale tour and popping up unexpectedly at a club with Nicki Minaj, causing such a stir that six fans collapsed from hyperventilation.
Not wanting to miss out on the excitement, we used our connections to get an exclusive look at Britney's itinerary for June and can today reveal her local after party plans.
4. Guest Lecture at Caltech
It turns out that Britney's erratic public behaviors a few years ago - airing her deli counter vagina to paparazzi, shaving her head in public, and teaching her baby how to drive - were not the result of freebasing and Bipolar disorder, but a desperate plea for help by the harried single mom, who was completing an evening master's degree in biotechnology (a degree she finished, with honors, in 2009).
Always one to give back, Spears plans to bookend her shows here in June with guest lecturing gigs on genome manipulation and viral cancer treatments at the California Institute of Technology in Pasadena.
Interested fans are encouraged to apply early for tickets to the lectures, as space is limited, and because it is always possible that Britney will become too preoccupied with screaming at one of her pool boys or twirling her hair around a comb to make it on time.
3. Parenting Classes
In case anyone forgot, Britney's divorce from Kevin Federline ended with "K-Fed" initially winning custody of their kids, an astoundingly rare decision in a legal system that overwhelmingly favors mothers to fathers, particularly when the mother in question is a multimillionaire and the father a jobless, aspiring pimp.
We have no detailed knowledge of Britney's parenting skills, but it wouldn't surprise us if she did the lip synching equivalent to child care and probably still has to learn a thing or two, as ordered by a judge, twice a week, with a chaperone, in a public place.
Want to get some great candid pics of Brit for your blog? Stake out a visiting room in the LA County family court building and follow the sound of Southern-fried scolding.
2. Sitting in a Car All Night Outside of a Club
Surprisingly, the bulk of Britney's paparazzi photos do not depict her dancing in a tacky club with moneyed riffraff, but sitting in a car, clutching a drink or her phone, and grimacing as if she is about to get up and do something befitting her pop star stature. Yet that never seems to happen.
Time and again, Spears is observed only within the limited confines of an automobile, smearing her goods all over the leather seats and chewing mindlessly on a wad of gum. Whether or not she ever leaves the car, we cannot say, but we're guessing she stays fused to that seat all night, feasting on periodic deliveries of Marlboro Lights and White Castle sliders from one of her flunkies.
Want to hang out with Britney this summer? Approach a convertible idling outside of the club that your spoiled, druggy cousins call their second home. Look inside. If you see a trio of jittery blonds, yell, "Brit!" Chances are good you'll hit pay dirt.
Having emerged from a handful of tiny crises entirely of her own making, Spears now enjoys the sort of undeserved, fawning rep as a "survivor" that ensures her a lifetime place at Cher's table (if not an invite to Judy Garland's party).
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Although now regarded by some as a style icon, Spears continues to troll the aisles of the big box stores she enjoyed as a child and drape herself in baggy, boner-killing shirts you'd see on a lunch lady re-entering the dating scene.
That's why we fully anticipate Britney to celebrate the conclusion of her June 20th Honda Center concert with a trip to the nearby Anaheim Target store for the kind of manic, blow-out shopping spree unseen since the golden age of Nickelodeon .
If you think we're being mean or exaggerating, you've probably never seen this clip.
Or you are this guy.