How does girl know what "ATM" is if you don't look it up?
How does girl know what "ATM" is if you don't look it up?

Lahna Turner's Recipe For Delicious, Dirty Songs

Penning song perfection is a lot like baking an impeccable cake. You have to have just the right amount of ingredients and skill so it will end up being something that your whole audience will enjoy. Comedian Lahna Turner can relate to both but with her new one-hour special "So I Wrote a Song About It" releasing August 19th, we decided to save the cake recipe for later so we could find out the required components one would need to craft a mischievous melody. After all, some of the best songs write themselves very quickly, much like setting your oven to broil, and some tunes are more difficult to accomplish. That's why we're leaving it to Lahna to tell us exactly what is needed.

Lahna Turner: When you sit down to write a song sometimes it takes a long time because there are so many distractions in life. It's like when you try to cook dinner. As a mom, you might have to add sticky fingers to it but with a song, it's a little harder because it might burn your child's soul.

Serving size: More than mouthful so they'll come back for more.

Calorie count: With this recipe, there are zero calories to worry about and hopefully it'll be a good work-out for your abdominals.


*The first things you'll need are a topic idea, a clean mental space, a pen, and a notebook. (You can substitute the writing utensils here by using your computer or cell phone.)

*Much like a cake pan, you'll ultimately need some type of musical instrument as well so you can put your song to music. It can be a guitar, a music track, or it might even be a piccolo.

*To write a dirty song you'll need dry ingredients such as a pinch of snarky, some perversion, sarcasm, a little anger, a creepy uncle, an overbearing mother, quite possibly an absent father, and some form of abuse works out just fine as well. You'll also need anger and/or rage issues, emotional damage, and clinical depression. (Disclaimer: Once you crack the emotional damage into your recipe, don't lick the spoon.)

*For your wet ingredients you'll need a tablespoon of tears (possibly from your childhood), alcohol or substance abuse, a few body fluids, and you'll probably need a little bit of watered down research. I mean, how does girl know what "ATM" is if you don't look it up? One might think it's only a cash machine!

*You'll want to mix these ingredients together although, I suggest beating them with your hands into a ball. Don't be afraid to get messy here either!

*Grease your pan with low self-esteem, set your pride aside, and pray it will actually work while you let it simmer. While you wait, keep in mind that you shouldn't be afraid to be silly or offend people. After all, great comedy comes from being unafraid and the perfect dirty song will probably offend someone somewhere.

*Once your are done cooking it up and much like a product focus group, you'll want to bring your freshly baked song to an open mic or to a smaller crowd to sample it out. This is important because you will want to test it out before you serve it up to a big audience.

*All that is left now is hitting the big stage with your baked goodie so it can be washed down with a room full of laughter!

You can pick up Lahna's special "So I Wrote a Song About It" August 19th on iTunes, Amazon, Google, Vudu, and Xbox. For more info, go to and follow her on Twitter @LahnaTurner. Also be on the lookout for "The Perfect 10 Podcast" to make its comeback very soon!

See also: Steve-O Found a Way to Work Manginas Into His Stand-Up Comedy 10 Douchiest Guitarists of All Time 10 Douchiest Drummers of All Time

Follow us on Twitter @OCWeeklyMusic and like us on Facebook at Heard Mentality and follow the author on Twitter @AliNotAlli.


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