Jay Mohr on Google, Probiotics, and Ellen

As a kid I was into the monster family with Count Chocula and Boo Berry.
As a kid I was into the monster family with Count Chocula and Boo Berry.

We rarely say no when it comes to a good cause and when you can do something that helps a cause that in turn causes you to feel good, we're first in line. 'Cause that's how we roll. This Thursday (July 9th) at the Brea Improv is your chance to see an incredible show that includes Jay Mohr, Christopher Titus, Dean Delray, and is hosted by Patrick Fowler. As if that weren't enough, the proceeds for this extraordinary night will be going to F*CK Cancer. Since Jay Mohr often takes to Twitter to answer fan questions, we decided to hit him with a few of our own in a lightning round of "Quick Questions" before the big event goes down.

OC Weekly (Ali Lerman): Tell me about your first break-up.

Jay Mohr: I was in high school and she was also the girl I lost my virginity to. She had come to see me do comedy and there were four other guys in the audience that told me they had lost their virginity to her as well. After that, it was over.

What a skank! How long did you last? About one second. Maybe a little less. Getting the nerve to broach the subject was about seven to ten days. The act itself was about one second. To go from making out on a bed to "hey let's have intercourse" as a teenager is like looking across the Grand Canyon and going, I should just take this step right?

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Where did it go down? In the bedroom at her parent's house.

Urghh, so much better than mine. I really only did it because my boyfriend was going to break up with me so I was like, fuck it, let's do it. I think that's admirable, you're a woman of your word. Did he breakup with you anyway?

Of course he did. OK, enough with the walk down memory lane. How often do you Google yourself? Ummm...very rarely. The only time I do it it's specific because I want to see reviews like to my Showtime special or something. There's really no reason to Google yourself though because you pretty much know everything about you. It's not like I'm going to hit enter and then go, I'm 5'11"! What??

Yeah that's true. I just Google to see if anyone linked my articles or whatnot. Actually, I do that too. If I'm being totally honest, I'll type in "Jay Mohr Mohr Stories" because you never know what strange website out there might link up your podcast.

Glad we cleared that up. What's your favorite cereal? Special K with those yogurt clusters in it. It's very boring. As a kid I was into the monster family with Count Chocula and Boo Berry. Once you hit forty though, it all revolves around your bowel movements. I could still have Frankenberry but then my rear end would look like a musket wound in four hours.

I hear ya, I started drinking probiotics and it's like I don't even know me anymore. Or as my wife calls it, "shit yogurt." Every time they play the commercials it's like, yeah, let's talk about our shit! I like the commercial where Erin Andrews is doing some weird trust exercise or something and she is actually holding a log. Now you can't even eat yogurt without thinking about three different celebrities dropping a deuce.

Thanks Jay, currently starving now. If you had to do a reality show, what would it be called? Honestly, I'd want to be on Celebrity Apprentice so I could outsmart everyone and donate a lot of money to charity. If I had to create one though, umm...Celebrity Fighting.

I like that you had to include the word "celebrity." You have to! Who wants to see a guy from Plainfield New Jersey fight a guy from Youngstown Ohio? If you can get Willie Aames in a fistfight with Steve Garvey, people are going to tune in!

You're right, I'm wrong. What would your death row meal be? Something that takes a looooong time to eat. [Laughs.] Like maybe a lasagna that I'll wait for them to cook every layer of it. And live crab so they have to catch it and boil it. You know, whatever takes the longest to cook.

I would think it'd be probiotics so they have to clean up your crap after. One last hurrah if you will. What is your biggest pet peeve? That's also a good idea. My biggest pet peeve...hmmm...that's a very good question. I guess it's just people being unkind. Take the rear view mirror off of your car, don't look back, and keep it moving.

I like the way you put that! Good one. What's the first movie you saw in a theater? Stripes. My parents couldn't find a babysitter and I saw Stripes and Apocalypse Now both together. Neither appropriate for an eight-year-old Jay Mohr. One had beheadings and the other had women soaping up their naked boobs. I immediately asked my dad how old I had to be to join the army and my dad was exasperated in the car on the way home saying, "That is not what the Army is like!"  

Oh my god that's hilarious! Who do you think should play you in a movie about your life?

Ben Foster or Byron Allen. That'd be great if I picked someone who died though like Christopher Plummer so they'd have to exhume the body and it'd be like a "Weekend at Bernie's" thing.

OK pause. I don't think Christopher Plummer is dead. I want to redo my answer. Ask me again.

Who do you think should play you in a movie about your life? Tyler Perry but only because I'd like to see my life recreated as a sassy elderly black woman.

Yes!! You'd totally have nice jugs as an elderly black woman. When was the last time you laughed so hard you pee'd a little or it hurt your ribs? I've never laughed so hard I pee'd, it's not in my genetic make-up. I think that's also more of a girl thing rather than a guy thing. There's plumbing involved with a guy and with the ladies, it's kind of a straight shot. I don't remember the last time I laughed so hard I hurt my ribs though. It had to have been with my wife, I'm just thinking of when it happened. I can't remember specifically but I'd be willing to bet thousands of dollars it was Nik pausing the TV and asking me a rhetorical question about what was on it.

That's why I'm obsessed with her. I envisioned your answer being like that. What's something you hate getting asked? I don't really hate anything but when people don't know where they know you from and they ask, "Are you him?" Or they say, "Are you that guy?" It's like, you know what? Put a little effort into the sentence structure.

Put your name on it? Yeah, put your name on it. Like, I think you're an actor but I'm not sure where I know you from. Or how about, are you an actor? Instead they're like, "Where do I know you from?" I mean, how would I possibly know where someone knows me from? You're supposed to tell me where you know me from and then we can go from there. Last summer when I was performing at South Point we were by the elevator and this guy comes up and goes, "Let me get a picture with you. You're that dude from the picture."

Is that the best compliment you've ever heard in your life? It was one of the oddest because the picture was four feet from where I was physically standing!

Please tell me Nikki's reaction to that. She told me I had to say it on stage. I had the guy introduce me as, "You may know this guy from the picture by the elevator. His name is Jay Mohr!"

I wish I had been there. I would have pee'd a little. Oh wait, I know when I laughed so hard it hurt! It was last weekend when we walked into South Point and saw the Ellen slot machine. My wife said, "Of all the people, you wouldn't think that a bunch of guys would be lined up to fill Ellen's slot."

You two are fantastic. What's the most expensive thing that you've broken to date? I think I've been pretty good about not breaking expensive things. I've had expensive things break on me though. Wait, ask me again.

What's the most expensive thing that you've broken to date? Alan Thicke. I was giving him a piggyback ride, slipped off the curb, and broke his hip. That's the most expensive thing I've broken.

I can't. OK, leave us with some advice please. Buddy Hackett told me, "None of your jokes are ever finished."

Grab your tickets now to the F*CK Cancer benefit show at the Brea Improv July 9th at 7:30pm, 120 South Brea Blvd. Brea, CA 92821. (714) 482-0700. For tickets go to www.Improv.com. For more info on Jay, go to his website www.JayMohr.com, tune into Mohr Stories and Jay Mohr Sports, and be sure to follow him on Twitter @JayMohr37.

Follow us on Twitter @OCWeeklyMusic and like us on Facebook at Heard Mentality and follow the author on Twitter @AliNotAlli.


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