How to Get in a Fight at Hootenanny

Beautiful x 2 + 1 monster
Christopher Victorio
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Who doesn't enjoy a beer-fueled brawl at a concert, especially when one is on the winning side? I once saw three dudes beat a man at a Crosby, Stills & Nash show—no, that wasn't a typo. With the 18th Hootenanny heading our way in July, you dickheads and dickheads-in-training have a great opportunity to show the world how to deliver and take a punch. Here's how to get your brawl on at the Hootenanny:

GO BY YOURSELF. A fantastic way to get the shit kicked out of you is to be a lonesome dove in the wolfpack. Hop into a pit, then let the elbows fly. Pretty soon, you'll have pomade-enriched blood running down your face while looking up at Sodapop, Ponyboy and Dally.

FLAUNT YOUR NEO-NAZI TATTOOS. The 50,000 chili-billies there (otherwise known as raza-billies or Latino rockabillies; almost all are from Anaheim and Whittier) will show their appreciation.

PARK YOUR PRIUS. Between a hotrod and a Harley. Stand outside. Count to three.

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SPORT YOUR FAVORITE ED HARDY SHIRT, AND ACCENT IT WITH FLIP-FLOPS. Man toes at a rockabilly festival scream, "Hurt me," and there are always plenty of dudes ready to oblige. You'll get a bonus beatdown if you stand around checking your phone all day while looking annoyed at everybody.

THE OL' STANDBY. Between songs, yell, "[Insert band name here] suck!" There are plenty of beds at St. Joseph Hospital of Orange to recuperate from the Hoot.

STARE AT EVERY TIT YOU SEE. Eventually, you'll strike gold, and Billy Boyfriend will walk up, a beer in each hand, ask Betty Boop to hold them, and apply his skull rings to your chin. Be sure to notice his grammatically incorrect knuckle tats: "your fuct."

THE OTHER OL' STANDBY: SPILL ANOTHER MAN'S BEER. Really, those 12 ounces only cost the guy $900.

 

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