Heather McDonald on Why Texting and Freaky Porn Ruins Relationships

Heather McDonald on Why Texting and Freaky Porn Ruins Relationships
Melissa Bring

Funny gals are the best gals and Heather McDonald is better than best. She’s one of the bestest. Hilarious, dirty, gossipy, and beautiful (of course), this chick brings vibrant life to any convo making her a “must see” when she brings her sass into Orange County. When, you say? When will Heather be in OC? (Yes, we heard you.) Why, this Thursday night (May 26th) for one night only at the Irvine Improv! Before you witness what Heather brings to the stage, we got her first to give us some cold hard facts on motherhood, the effects of social media and texting, and shitting on people. (Sorry, mom.)

OC Weekly (Ali Lerman): Do your kids realize you’re cool yet or do they think you’re just super embarrassing?

Heather McDonald: No, they’re getting better about it. My step-daughter is very quiet, smart, and artistic so she thinks what I do is good. She’s not overly enthused but she’s not embarrassed. My son, who is thirteen, has some real comedic chops which is good and bad because, he goes to catholic school. He has all of these detention slips that say he did or said something inappropriate. I had to explain that they don’t find it funny in catholic school and he’s like, 'well, I’m a comedian!' What also makes it funny and not funny is that his best friend is Jo Koy’s son. So they pretty much feed off of each other. They’re not terrible when they get in trouble and it kind of makes me happy because they’re clever in a sort of smart ass way. They’re not being rude though or smoking pot but, it’s kind of embarrassing. He also wrote about how his hero is Jo Koy and not me.

What a traitor!

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Yeah! It’s funny though, they’re fun. For a while they were against me posting anything on social media but I told them, look, this is all part of the process. I have to do all of this stuff and you are part of the product. If you want to play Xbox and go to Six Flags, you have to deal. And it’s not like anyone is anonymous anymore anyway. No one has their privacy, everyone is out there telling everyone what’s up.

Isn’t it crazy that when we were kids there was zero way for our folks to get a hold of us. Now, these kids tattle on themselves by “checking in.”

People always say, “We didn’t have cell phones in my day!” I’m like, yeah, and people fucking died so why is that good? My daughter was at this dance and I was getting worried because I thought she should’ve been home. Then I was like, oh, she’s two blocks away and the car is moving. She just hadn’t text me because she was talking to a friend. I love text for that reason because I worry. My brain immediately goes to you are kidnapped or dead. I worry about her more though because she’ll grow out of the age of being a pedophile's dream and then into getting picked up at any time and thrown into a van. [Laughs.]

Well yeah, that’s one way to look at it. Morbidly. Social media and texting really is a parent’s wet dream I suppose.

Oh my god yes! I remember my friends and I went to Catalina and there were two ports you could get picked up from. And we were only fourteen. Four girls, we got dropped off, the boat came back at eleven, and my parents were supposed to pick us up but they went to the wrong port. It was midnight and we were the last people to get picked up. If my daughter and her three friends were not off of that boat, I would have gone straight to that Holloway Aruba girl!

You’re like me, I go directly to bad.

That’s the other thing, when you don’t hear from someone you think, are they mad at me? I was just on this funny group chat with a bunch of comics and Chris Franjola was part of it and not responding so we were like, he must be dead. So we’re all texting about his time of death and he finally comes on and said he was doing a spot at the Improv. Another thing is, I’m married so I’m super interested in my friends that are dating, divorced, or whatever. I really feel like texting is what’s fucked up. More than anything, it’s ruining relationships.

Oh please enlighten me! I’m a single gal.

Well this is what I think because, on my podcast Juicy Scoop coming up here, I’m having on my friend who started dating this guy who was a cute divorced dad. Go to a month later, she lent him money, used her credit card for something that ended up going to another lady, and there are three other women that now all speak to each other and are coming on my podcast. Part of it is that this guy wasn’t working really so he would text them all. He was so attentive on text so no one expected that he was dating someone else but he’d just text them all! In my day you had to see someone or call but now, you can give a lot of people the same time without someone else knowing. It’s so easy to be out with a person and text someone else “just thinking of you” while they go to the bathroom. My friend who just got out of thing is like, next time texting will only be for an address or a time to meet. No long conversations on text. It’s a fake relationship over text.

You’re lucky to be married, the dating world is hard these days. I thought porn screwed it up but I guess we need to throw texting into the mix too now.

I remember back in the '90s when there were all of these hooker written books and one of them was talking about a client who wanted to position himself under a glass table and get shit on.

I believe the proper term for that is a “Glass Bottom Boat.” Thank you Urban Dictionary. Can you imagine getting excited over shit?

[Laughs.] Can you imagine being the girl that has to shit on someone? Like, hold on, let me stop by Starbucks because I need to make sure I can perform my shit-capade, get paid, and by midnight, get the fuck out of there. How awful.

I mean, to each his own but, I know where I draw my lines. What happened to normal sex. God I sound old…

I do think that is because of porn. Thirty-year-old guys started watching porn at eleven and they saw all of the sickest shit and they think that’s what a girl wants so they don’t establish a normal relationship. Then girls think they need to compete with that so they go out there and think they need to do all of this sick stuff and then wonder why relationships don’t work. But it’s like, you gave up anal on the first date! Where do you go from there?

Haaaa so no anal on the first date. I’m learning all sorts of stuff from you. OK, off of this amazing topic my parents will hate so you can leave me with some Bravo Housewives stuff. I like them, you like them, have they ever approached you to be on the show?

They’ve never approached me, no. I personally think what makes the show great is having no self-awareness. I think I’m honestly too real, too self-deprecating, and I’m honestly not wealthy. What makes the show is really rich women who have always wanted to be a star but haven’t even auditioned for a play. Then they find themselves on the cover of US Weekly and they implode. Look, I’m like a Lisa Rinna. I’m not above doing anything. I’ll represent Crest Whitestrips if you pay me but thank god, I’m not dependent on that. For now.

Grab your tickets now to see Heather McDonald this Thursday, May 26th at the Irvine Improv, 31 Fortune Drive Irvine, CA 92618, (949) 854-5455. For tickets go to www.Improv.com. For more on Heather, check out her website www.HeatherMcDonald.net, subscribe to her podcast Juicy Scoop, become a fan  on Facebook, and follow her on Instagram and on Twitter @HeatherMcDonald.


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