Because really, what's wrong a little blood on your garter belt?
Because really, what's wrong a little blood on your garter belt?

Five Songs You Shouldn't Play at Your Wedding. (Or Should You?) According to Jen Murphy

Comedian Jen Murphy knows a thing or two about marriage. Wait. No she doesn't. She does however know something about marrying hilarious bits to the stand-up stage and truth be told, it seems like a union that will never end in divorce. Being that she's a favorite of the Weekly (as well as one of our "Five Comics to Watch Out For in 2014") and has a headlining gig at the Irvine Improv this Sunday July 27th, we decided to meld these two worlds and see if she could come up with something that was completely out of her realm. Musical marriage material. With her non-knowing knowledge about wedding planning but her knowledge of "funny" being spot-on, we got Jen to give us her picks for "Five Songs You Shouldn't Play at Your Wedding. Or Should You?"

5- Mötley Crüe - Shout At The Devil

Jen Murphy: "Shout At The Devil" is so wrong on so many levels for a wedding. It is however perfect for the guy that you hate but happens to gives really good oral. After years of dating dicks that you thought you were in love with or might actually be your soul mate, sometimes you just find yourself settling for the asshole who's good in bed. When it comes to this Mötley Crüe song, it goes hand-in-hand with Fireball shot induced screaming matches and getting in some good physical pleasure, but not so great going hand-in-hand out of your wedding reception.

4- Pearl Jam- Better Man

You know you deserve to be treated better but your self-esteem still hasn't recovered from those years in high school you spent wearing a back brace for scoliosis. And not making the cheerleading squad so you had to settle for putting on a "ram head" and being a mascot. And showing up to Friday night post football game parties smelling like sweat and despair. Oh, and not getting asked to your prom which eventually leads to a post high school life of too much Jack Daniels and ecstasy. So yeah, I'm not trying to sound bitter here but "Better Man" is probably not the best choice for your wedding.

3- U2- Sunday Bloody Sunday

The only time it'd be OK to play this U2 song is if the bride is marrying the "forty-year-old frat boy" type that pre-partied way too hard before the wedding. This of course will end up landing him in the hospital because he thought it would be hilarious to enter the reception by slamming into his fellow "frat boy friends" like a mosh pit for his final hoorah. But as long as the open bar is still active, I guess a cheeseball cover band could croon this song because really, what's wrong a little blood on your garter belt?

2- Elton John- The Bitch is Back

We all know men who get treated like shit but don't have the self-confidence or motivation to try and shove it in another hole. This leads to them just sticking with the one that they've got while their friends are forced to hang out with his bitchy wife praying that they end up being one of those couples that procreates and then never leaves the house. Although, having a bitch in the "friend circle" is sometimes good for everyone else's relationship because no matter how much you two fight you can always say, "Well at least we aren't as bad as them!" The bottom line here is, even though humming a little Elton John never killed anyone, this song would be best used as a theme song for every time this shit couple walked into a room rather than a happy bride and groom being announced on their big day.

1- Meat Loaf- Two Out Of Three Ain't Bad

This song is perfect for the girl who has been broken up with so many times that her heart and vagina have completely thrown in the towel and at this point, she'd just settle for a guy who doesn't need an apnea mask to fall asleep at night. Also, unless you are getting married for the third time and you think it's "a charm," this song would only confuse the on lookers of your first dance. Plus (and no offense), the last thing you want to think about when you are having a romantic glide across the dance floor is Meat Loaf sweating it up all over the mic. So un-sexy.

Check out Jen Murphy at the Irvine Improv July 27th, 71 Fortune Drive Irvine, CA 92618, (949) 854-5455. For $5 tickets use the promo code "MURPHY" at For more info, go to her website and follow her on Twitter at @JenMurphyComedy.

See also: Steve-O Found a Way to Work Manginas Into His Stand-Up Comedy 10 Douchiest Guitarists of All Time 10 Douchiest Drummers of All Time

Follow us on Twitter @OCWeeklyMusic and like us on Facebook at Heard Mentality and follow the author on Twitter @AliNotAlli.


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