Five Songs To Celebrate the Fourth of July
America is the greatest country in the world. Don't believe me? Then answer this: Where else can a person enjoy the sorts of freedoms we have here? You know what I'm talking about. Stuff like the ability to marry whomever you want, to ensure your tax dollars go where you want them to go, to have brown skin and visit Arizona without fear of being deported, to know your country wasn't founded by assholish white men who lied to and killed the natives AND also enslaved an immeasurable amount of Africans, to select a president knowing nothing as crazy as something like an electoral college will cancel your vote, to be able to walk down the street smoking a plant without being harassed by police officers, to go to the beach and see topless women because making women cover their chests while men don't have to is totally insane and to know you can go to graduate school and not be in debt for the rest of your life.
Answer: Nowhere else. That's where. And you know why? Because USA!!!!
With that in mind, here are five songs to help you celebrate a day when America is even more America than those other days when America is America. (And if that doesn't make sense to you, get the fuck out of my country, you commie bastard.)
5. The Misfits, "London Dungeon"
Fast forward to the 4:09 mark and tell me you don't love former Misfits singer Glenn Danzig even more than you already did.
4. Hulk Hogan (actually Rick Derringer), "Real American"
Every time you watch this video, a terrorist dies. Each time you play this song, a bald eagle cries. Whenever you think of this song, America legs drops some country you've never even heard of.
3. The Cramps, "Bikini Girls With Machine Guns"
What? You think fuckin' Switzerland could have come up with something called "Bikini Girls With Machine Guns?"
2. Lee Greenwood, "God Bless the USA"
Not only is this song about USA, but it's also about God. And when you put God and USA together, look out because shit's about to get awesome.
1. USA Chant
You don't often find chants that are as successful when done ironically as they are when done non-ironically. That, my friends, is the beauty of the USA chant. For instance, the United States women's hockey team medals at the Olympics? Chant. Your brother drinks too much and crashes his bike into a cop car in Newport? Fucking chant that shit. Either way, it works.
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