If you waterboard her, do it with Dolly Parton playing
If you waterboard her, do it with Dolly Parton playing
Luzena Adams

Five Songs That Make Kathleen Madigan Want to Drive Her Car Off a Bridge

Kathleen Madigan has done a lot in her comedy career, from entertaining the troops overseas to amusing audiences across the States to winning awards for being a kickass comedian. She has brought plenty of laughs to late-night TV, radio shows, and comedy CDs and specials. Since we figured she clearly has everything to live for, it made us wonder if she, as with so many of us normal folks, has a list of songs she simply can't stand, a set of tunes so heinous she'd rather run her car off the road than listen to them when they come on the radio. Is this a twisted and dark premise for a list? Maybe. But hey, I think we can all agree there are some really bad music choices out there, so you just never know what could push you over the edge.

Before she crashes into the City National Grove of Anaheim on Friday, Madigan gave us a list of picks from bad to worse that usually make her want to end it all before the end of the song.

5. Lana Del Rey
Anything sung by Lana Del Rey because, dear God, life can't be that bad at her age. Her music is what I picture that I'd hear at the IRS when an audit is going badly. First confusion, then resignation, then desperation, and then despair. All really fun feelings!

4. Frank Ocean
Frank Ocean's "Forrest Gump," or whatever that was on the Grammys. I'm not familiar with the rest of his work, but this particular song made me wanna throw myself in front of a bus. Maybe that's how he felt the day he wrote it, but if not, Frank and I just have really different ideas of what enjoyable is.

3. Classical
Anything in the classical genre would do because it's dramatic, and drama is good for imminent death. Classical music always reminds me of Amadeus, which reminds me of insanity, and insanity reminds me of extreme drama. When the violins get going, really, anything can happen.

2. Dolly Parton
Dolly Parton's "Better Get to Living," in particular, just in case you change your mind and wanna bail. She will make you feel guilty for complaining or quitting anything. I could be being waterboarded, and if they played Dolly, I'd think, "Well, it's not that bad. I could be being drawn and quartered, but I'm not. It's just a little upside-down swimming."

1. George Strait Jones
George Jones's "He Stopped Lovin' Her Today" is the saddest song ever written. "He Stopped Lovin' Her Today" is sooooo sad. It really just makes anyone want to jump into the coffin with the dead guy because he's so sad.

Kathleen Madigan performs at the City National Grove of Anaheim, 2200 E. Katella Ave., Anaheim, (714) 712-2700; www.citynationalgroveofanaheim.com. Friday March 8th, 8 p.m. $29.50 For more info, visit www.kathleenmadigan.com or follow her on Twitter: @kathleenmadigan.

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