Exene Cervenka
Exene Cervenka

[Exene Says...] A Star Is Bored: Texts From Celebrity Summer Camp

[Editor's Note: Exene Cervenka is a writer, visual artist and punk rock pioneer. The OC transplant is the lead singer for X, the Knitters and Original Sinners. Her column, Exene Says..., is her space to basically just write what's on her mind, everything from crazy life stories to political theories and observations about what's going on in this fucked up world of ours. To contact her, send all messages to askexene@ocweekly.com.]

This week, Exene inhabits the mindset of a vapid, Hollywood celebrity visiting a super-exclusive summer camp for beautiful people. She recaps the experience via text message.

-It's Friday. Tomorrow is Saturday, then comes Celebrity Summer Camp! We can't stop! So don't try to stop us, all you haters!

-Even though it's an exclusive, tropical island, we are really going to be roughing it! The cabins are only 20,000 square feet! Or something. I'm not good with math. I'm rooming with Nicki, Katy and Rihanna! It's gonna be Sextastic!

-Wow! Just heard there are no shops here! It's a good thing I brought 22 suitcases! We are here for 7 days. I've never gone that long without shopping! 7 days is a week, right? I'm so bad at math.

-I had my servants (they come with the cabin) unpack for me. I told them to organize my outfits by designer. But they mixed the Chanel, Gucci and Prada!! Stupid! I hope 30 pairs of shoes are enough!

-Went to a jewelry workshop today! Aspiring designers are creating really great jewelry for us. We get to see how jewelry is made! I wanted a necklace with black diamonds and platinum. But then I saw Kim was picking emeralds and gold, so I was going to change, but the designer said it was too late! So now I am stuck with black diamonds!

-We went to the cabana on the lake or pond or whatever, and we had drinks, and then we went back to the cabin, and we got wasted, so we had a contest to see who was the hottest bikini babe! We ended up on all fours, giving one another blood facials and drinking cognac! I won the bikini babe contest! I Instagrammed it!

-I think it's, like, Tuesday, and then comes Thursday, then it's Friday, so this is almost half-over, maybe? It's weird because there's no paparazzi or fans or red carpets or anyplace to club, and no one sees us. So we have all been taking lots of pics of one another. It's kinda creepy, being so alone!! I feel ignored, like no one is paying attention to me!!!!

-No wonder I was dying of boredom!!! No one told me this is an all-girl Celebrity Summer Camp!!!!! I like posing with other hot girls in pics and videos, but . . . 

-So happy! We have chartered a jet to take us back to LA!! I can't wait to go shopping!!!

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