DEAR EXENE: Last week, I made the mistake of borrowing my boyfriend's laptop when he wasn't around, and I found a stash of porn searches that has me worried. It started when I typed in a Google search for the word "astrology" for my horoscope and found 10 recent searches for phrases including "ass to mouth," "ass play," "ass slapping"—you get the idea. It was gross and alarming, to say the least. I'm not proud of it, but after that, I checked his search history. Turns out the Google search was barely the tip of the iceberg on what it seems he's really into: lots of fetish stuff that seemed way too extreme for a guy I met at a Dave Matthews concert. I don't consider myself to be a prude, really, but I would also not openly consent to doing things such as bondage, spanking and weird penetration with rubber objects. On the outside, my boyfriend—a local attorney—has never mentioned being unhappy or asked me to change up our sex life in any kind of drastic way. So I don't know if this kind of stuff is strictly fantasy, or if he's trying to act on these secret desires, which makes me nervous. But now that I know, I'm not really sure what to do with the information. I don't think I can drop a hint that I'd even be open to trying more hardcore sex because he'd know something was up. But do I really want to be with a guy that would keep these kinds of sexual fetishes from me, or should I be grateful he's not making me endure them?
DEAR SIMONE: Even though your laptop sleuthing has garnered you many clues into the psyche of your boyfriend, you cannot really know what he wants in your relationship if you don't communicate with him. You have some issues with trust and boundaries that need to be addressed. It's a big leap from a boyfriend visiting the "ass bandits" site to "Should I be grateful to my boyfriend for not making me endure sexual acts that I find gross and alarming?" My strongest advice possible is to find a licensed therapist or a psychologist who can help you.
Exene Cervenka is a writer, visual artist and punk rock pioneer. The OC transplant is the lead singer for X, the Knitters and Original Sinners. If you want to ask the legendary vocalist for advice, send an email to email@example.com.
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This column appeared in print as "Laptop Sleuthing."