Chris Brown at Powerhouse 2013
Chris Brown at Powerhouse 2013
Mora Photography

Did Chris Brown Really Get Laid When He Was Eight? Doubt It

Just when you think Chris Brown couldn't do any more Chris Brown things, then Chris Brown out-Chris Browns himself. Yes, those were four uses of Chris Brown in the first sentence, but judging by his latest antic, that wouldn't be anymore self-serving than the news of his latest transgression which, in this case, sounds fishy at best.

In case you missed it, which you probably did considering the news was published in the UK newspaper the Guardian, the 24-year-old gave a candid interview by his standards. While this seems ho-hum or even can be met with a shrug, Brown managed to top himself by saying he lost his virginity when he was eight years-old. Eight! He said that it was to a girl who was either 14 or 15, but you know, small details like that don't matter when you're concocting a story that's so absurd and ridiculous to even imagine it in the first place.

Is it even possible for the human body to produce sperm at that age? I'm no doctor or human physiologist, but I'm pretty sure unless you possess super-sperm or are the greatest sexual being since Wilt Chamberlain (or Gene Simmons, depending on your point of view), it's pretty much impossible for an eight-year-old to produce sperm. In fact, everywhere I looked on Google said that the earliest a man start making lil guys is around 10.

So is Chris Brown a liar or PR disaster waiting to happen? Also, if the gal in question was either "14 or 15," wouldn't that make her not only a pederast, but statutory rapist, or at minimum, a sexual deviant. Better yet, why wasn't this news used as ammo for Brown's defense when had all of his problems with Rihanna? I mean, it would have been quite a convenient excuse to use stemming from his horrid past and how he was taken advantage of as a child.

But no, that's not the narrative here. "It's different in the country," he told the paper. "By that point, we were already kind of like hot to trot, you know what I'm saying? Like, girls, we weren't afraid to talk to them; I wasn't afraid. So, at eight, being able to do it, it kind of preps you for the long run, so you can be a beast at it. You can be the best at it."

Huh? Say what? If this is true, then I guess Chris Brown hung out with kids a lot cooler than people I did. Whatever the case may be, Brown is either a master manipulator of the media or a clueless dumbass. The guy has a record coming out in November so this could be the start of the mea culpa blitz intended to make him look like a true player who was getting laid at an age before most kids start learning long division. Does this make him enviable, gross or just sad? That's up to you to decide.

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