Boob War Fourth of July Special: 13 Original Pairs of Breasts That Made America Great

Boob War Fourth of July Special: 13 Original Pairs of Breasts That Made America Great

A holiday is a great excuse to run an overused concept into the ground. That's why the Fourth of July is a perfect opportunity for a Boob War Special Edition (cue percussive theme music) that takes a historical look at the pioneering woman--and their breasts--responsible for making our country great. 

To be clear, this list isn't a compilation of contemporary Joanie-come-latelies. You won't be seeing Jessica Simpson, Scarlett Johansson, Katy Perry or Dita Von Teese gracing this entry. No, the women on this list are the ones who influenced Beyonce and even Madonna

Here's the criteria I used for making the list:

  • Must be an American citizen, either born or naturalized.
  • Must be considered a sex symbol, whether it was only during her lifetime or continues to this day.
  • Body of work must have been revolutionary. This also means that size isn't the only thing; it's what she did with them.

 
Now, as we celebrate the independence of the 13 original colonies from the British, let's salute these 13 original trailblazers.

1. Marilyn Monroe
Boob War Fourth of July Special: 13 Original Pairs of Breasts That Made America Great

Why she's on the list Is there really any question? Marilyn has been the gold standard for more than half a century. She influenced contemporaries like Jayne Mansfield and Mamie Van Doren and later on, models like Anna Nicole Smith. Her chest x-ray recently sold for $45,000 at auction. Although this list is compiled in no particular order, Marilyn deserves to sit at the top spot.

2. Bettie Page
Boob War Fourth of July Special: 13 Original Pairs of Breasts That Made America Great

Why she's on the list She wasn't the first pinup girl, but she became synonymous with the artform, becoming more well-known after her 1950s heyday (thanks in part to Dave Stevens' Rocketeer). 

3. Josephine Baker
Boob War Fourth of July Special: 13 Original Pairs of Breasts That Made America Great

Why she's on the list Singer. Dancer. Actress. Muse. Spy. Civil rights activist. Josephine Baker epitomized beauty with substance. American-born, Baker made her name in France during the 1930s and 1940s as a singer and dancer who entranced the likes of Ernest Hemingway and Picasso. She starred in three films, and when World War II broke out, she worked with the French resistance and entertained Allied troops in North Africa. In the 1960s, she spoke at the March of Washington and refused to perform before segregated audiences as part of her participation in the U.S. Civil Rights Movement. So what have you done lately with your machine gun tits, Lady Gaga?

4. Mae West
Boob War Fourth of July Special: 13 Original Pairs of Breasts That Made America Great

Why she's on the list Smart and business savvy, actress/singer/writer Mae West had the mouth of Sarah Silverman on the body of Pamela Anderson. Considered an early feminist, she was one of the highest paid people in the country (second behind William Randolph Hearst in 1935) thanks to her wicked and racy charm that got her censored more than once. And ladies, if you don't think you owe anything to Mae West consider these two things: 


5. Lynda Carter
Boob War Fourth of July Special: 13 Original Pairs of Breasts That Made America Great

Why she's on the list Lynda Carter made boys--and their fathers--think Wonder Woman really existed. Of course, once they saw Bobbie Joe and the Outlaw, they were glad to find out Wonder Woman wasn't a prude or a goody-goody (link NSFW).

 
6. Phoebe Cates
Boob War Fourth of July Special: 13 Original Pairs of Breasts That Made America Great

Why she's on the list I might be breaking my rule here by including someone on the basis of a single movie scene (NSFW). But when that movie scene defined the masturbation fantasies for an untold generation, I think it's foolish to dismiss Phoebe Cates. 

7. Raquel Welch
Boob War Fourth of July Special: 13 Original Pairs of Breasts That Made America Great

Why she's on the list Her prehistoric bikini in One Million Years B.C. caught everyone's attention. But Raquel Welch showed that she had staying power, remaining a vital sex symbol up through the 1980s. 

8. Dolly Parton
Boob War Fourth of July Special: 13 Original Pairs of Breasts That Made America Great

Why she's on the list Do I really need to explain this to anyone?

9. Dorothy Dandridge
Boob War Fourth of July Special: 13 Original Pairs of Breasts That Made America Great

Why she's on the list Although not considered a traditional sex symbol, Dandridge, the first African-American nominated for an Oscar [EDIT: Specifically, the best actress Oscar, which I totally knew in my head, but I couldn't make come out of my fingers. Thanks for the catch, Anonymous], had a sultry onscreen elegance that complemented her sultry voice as a singer.  

 
10. Hedy Lamarr
Boob War Fourth of July Special: 13 Original Pairs of Breasts That Made America Great

Why she's on the list Born in Austria (she became a U.S. citizen in the 1950s), Hedy Lamarr made a name for herself thanks to her sensual performance (which included nudity) in the Czech film Ecstasy. She moved to America, became a screen star and, like most actresses, proceeded to help develop electronic communication systems so ahead of their time that they're the basis of modern Wi-Fi systems. So go check your ego, Angelina, 'kay?

11. Rita Hayworth
Boob War Fourth of July Special: 13 Original Pairs of Breasts That Made America Great

Why she's on the list As a pinup and an actress, Rita Hayworth was the sex symbol of the 1940s and blazed the way for Marilyn Monroe. Boob War fun fact: Lynda Carter played Hayworth in a TV biopic.

12. Lauren Bacall
Boob War Fourth of July Special: 13 Original Pairs of Breasts That Made America Great

Why she's on the list Even today, if you can watch Bacall's "You know how to whistle" scene in To Have and Have Not and not become turned on, you're probably asexual. Because even if you're homosexual, you can appreciate the smoldering sexuality coming off of Bacall's lithe, young body.

13. Elizabeth Taylor
Boob War Fourth of July Special: 13 Original Pairs of Breasts That Made America Great

Why she's on the list The years might not have been kind to Liz, but in her day, she defined glamour and forbidden sexuality. 

That's my list. Who do you think should have made the cut?

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