Illustration by Bob AulBehold the stoner: that wily beast, that sniveling hippie, that person operating far beneath the level of his true potential. Of course, that's not all stoners! Hell no! Many stoners are active, contributing members of society. Take, for example, Ben Franklin. That man could roll a joint and whip through a couple of bags of corn nuts like no one's business! And then there's Abraham Lincoln, who never met a Hacky Sack he didn't like. But let's not forget the biggest loadie of 'em all, Jesus Christ. You don't believe Jesus Christ was a stoner? Come on! The signs are all there! How else do you explain the fashion, the hair, the laid-back "turn the other cheek" attitude and the paranoia?
That's the thing, see: stoners come in all varieties. There are probably more kinds of stoners than there are strains of pot. In honor of the Cypress Hill Smoke Out, "an all-day mind-opening music festival" featuring Cypress Hill, 311, Long Beach Dub All-Stars, Limp Bizkit, (hed)p.e., Pennywise and a ton of others, we've decided to introduce you to a few of our favorite stoners.
The Natural Stoner "Hey, man, if God didn't want us to smoke it, he wouldn't have grown it, right? It's a plant, man." That's the logic behind the Natural Stoner's delightfully rampant pot use. Which is why he'll also, on occasion and only if they're good and he's among friends, eat mushrooms. But cocaine or synthetic uppers? "That shit's Satan, dude. It's evil." The Self-Righteous Stoner From the Latin for "He who uses biodegradable toilet paper," the Self-Righteous Stoner is a Natural Stoner with an interest in politics. The Incredibly Unbelievably Functional Stoner This is the stoner who's lit from the time he wakes up in the morning to the time he goes to bed at night, and yet he manages to be quite successful at what he does. The Incredibly Unbelievably Functional Stoner can get stoned and then write an entire report, or put together a presentation, or go to work or a wedding. The Incredibly Unbelievably Functional Stoner would not think twice about driving stoned. The Incredibly Unbelievably Functional Stoner drives better stoned. The I'm-So-Wild-I-Smoke-Pot Stoner This is the Zima drinker of stoners. Usually young, usually female and usually headed toward a career that involves a lot of soul-sucking corporate maneuvering and such, the I'm-So-Wild-I-Smoke-Pot Stoner smokes pot as a form of rebellion, or to prove that despite her uptight image, she's actually kooky and zany and, well, wild. And lest you forget she's stoned, she will most likely repeatedly remind you. The I-Never-Would-Have-Guessed-You-Smoke-Pot Stoner This group of stoners includes your college professor, the guy who fitted you for soccer cleats when you were a child and, sometimes, your very own parents. The Epicurean Stoner Pot brownies, pot cookies, pot Rice Krispies treats, pot-chilada, chicken pot pie, pot roast, sweet pot-atoes and—of course, the one that everyone thinks of—pot clams on the half-shell. The Epicurean does it all. The Aggro Stoner The is the guy who, despite being stoned, continues to start fights and get in people's faces and harass people different from him and use his usually sinewy form to intimidate others. He is a blight on the face of all stoners. OC Weekly does not endorse his kind. The Have-You-Seen-My-Legs? Stoner This stoner is too stoned. He's fascinated by the smooth plastic of his shirt buttons. He can't really hear the conversations going on around him. He thinks he just heard the voice of that person he hasn't seen in years but has been meaning to call. It's so weird that he just thought that, and he's wondering why he just thought that, and he'd like to tell you about how weird it is that he just thought that, but it's hard to explain the whole thing. Someone just asked him if he wants a beer. Was he sitting there looking like he wanted a beer? Had he been staring at someone's beer without intending to? His face feels weird. Does his face always feel weird and normally he doesn't notice it because his perception is normally diminished, and now he's aware of it because the pot is making him really receptive to all stimuli, or is it the pot that's making his face feel weird? Huh? What did you say? Treat this stoner with kindness, for we are all this stoner at one point or another.
The Cypress Hill Smoke Out at the National Orange Show Events Center, 689 E St., San Bernardino, (714) 740-2000; www.smokeout.net. Sat., noon-2 a.m. $40-$200. All ages.