Aries Spears Plays a Disgusting Game of “Would You Rather”

Asking Aries Spears a bunch of questions about his comedic skills is a little like asking LeBron James why he balls so hard. Really, what's the point, we all know he's fucking amazing. As a far as impressions go, the Chicago-born comic is damn near untouchable. Seriously folks, if you listen to him and close your eyes you really just might think you're listening to Jay-Z, DMX, Denzel Washington, LL Cool J, Al Pacino–the list goes on. It's the kind of skill we suggest you pick apart during endless YouTube clip searches of his past shows like Madtv, The Underground, Mind of Mencia, or Shaq's All Star Comedy Jam. Or you could take a break from another acrimonious week of Thanksgiving family drama and go see him in person at the Brea Improv. We're not saying that your drunk uncle isn't funny or fighting with your siblings isn't a blast, but trust, coming out to see Spears on the 21st or the 23rd- 25th will mos def take the edge off.

But since we had the opportunity to get him on the phone, we figured our time would be better spent playing a little game of “Would You Rather”– you know, the fun party favorite that allows you and your friends to use totally unrealistic scenarios to divulge your darkest, most perverted thoughts. We weren't sure he'd go for it. But after plying him with a couple warm-up questions, he sure as hell did.

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OC Weekly (Ali Lerman): I won't ask you to do an impression because it's hard to type in a Jay-Z voice but, what's the impersonation that you're asked to do the most? And does it drive you crazy because you're like, I'm gonna do it when I do it?

Aries Spears: They really yell them all out you know? Shaq, Jay-Z, Barkley, they yell them all out. It doesn't really bother me because it is what it is. It's like a good problem to have. It's kind of like the hits. If people want to hear Ice Ice Baby you gotta give them Ice Ice Baby.

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Ughhh I hope no one requests Ice Ice Baby anymore. Are you working on any new ones? And do you have to work on them or is it something that comes natural?

If I can't do it I'm not going to do it. As long as I can do it naturally it'll work. There are some new ones that I want to work on but nothing is quite ready as of yet.

I know you are pretty into the NBA much like myself so would you like to weigh in on Magic Johnson putting his two cents in about the Lakers new coach?

I mean, Magic is one of the forefathers of the Lakers organization. He's the reason that they won some of their championships. His word is pretty relevant. He's got to have his hand in a bit of everything.

I totally disagree but I won't hold it against you. You're a Chicago Bulls fan though right?

I'm a fan of whoever is winning. Winners don't like losers, they like winners, so I roll with the winners. They have much more fun at the after party. [Laughs.]

Ha! That is awful! You're supposed to stay loyal! OK b-ball aside, I saw on Twitter that you like to play a little “would you rather” so I thought we could play a quick game if you're into it.

Oh yeah sure! Absolutely!

OK, would you rather lose your penis or lose your voice?

[Laughs.] Oh wow that's good! Oh my god! Well, my every instinct is to say my voice because if I can't use my voice, I can't do what I need to do to use my penis. [Laughs.] My voice is what gets me action to use my penis! If I can use my voice to get it but no penis, I'm still out of it. It's a double deuce! Oh man! That is a very tough one but I'd have to say I'd rather keep my penis. Oh my goodness that is so wrong.

Who would you rather babysit your kids, Jerry Sandusky or Andrea Yates who drowned her own five kids?

Oh wow, you're very dark! [Laughs.] I'd have to go with Sandusky because at least they'd live.

Would you rather be a contestant on Dancing With the Stars or pass a kidney stone every day for a month?

Oh Dancing With the Stars all day! Sequins all day! Absolutely everything shining and glistening with all that glitter.

[

Haha, I think you'd look amazing in sequins. OK last one, who would you rather have watch your pets, Mitt Romney or Michael Vick?

Yeah, what Mitt did is pretty pale compared to what Michael Vick did. I'm picking Mitt Romney because again, at least they'd live. Before you go on let me ask you one. Would you rather have sex with a guy who had a two inch penis with thirty million dollars or with a guy with an eleven inch penis who had ten thousand dollars?

Ummm I'm going to go with the two-inches because I'm only 5' 2″ so I'm not sure I can accommodate eleven inches if you catch what I'm throwing. I'd also need to know if I'd be getting some of that thirty million. I'd have follow up questions.

[Laughs.] Wow. OK. Nice!

OK back on track! I saw you saying something on Twitter about Jay Pharaoh getting his panties in a wad about you suggesting a “Jay-Z face off” on New Year's. What's the deal?

I'm sure it's pretty much squashed because he got his panties in a wad. I really was looking at it as in a funny thing to do kind of perspective. People say his is incredible, people say mine is incredible, but I think mine is more incredible for certain reasons. I was looking at it as sort of a friendly competition but I guess it's not up for debate.

Lame. So avoiding the family drama this Thanksgiving week aside, what do you have in store for the Brea show?

Hey, since you know that I have a dark side and you can attest to that from the “would you rather” questions, that's really why they should come out! Come see me and stay tuned! That's what it is!

Follow Aries on Twitter @AriesSpears and pick up his newest DVD “Hollywood, Look I'm Smiling” on iTunes and Amazon. Get your tickets now to see Aries Spears at the Brea Improv this Wednesday and Friday through Sunday by calling 714-482-0700 or by logging onto www.Improv.com. The Improv is located at 120 South Brea Blvd. Brea, CA 92821.

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