3hree Things: The Holy Trinity Of Low-End Cologne

Watch out for 3hree Things every Tuesday, where Riley Breckenridge, drummer of Orange County's favorite local alt-rock band Thrice, gives his take on life in Southern California as an OC native.

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3hree Things: The Holy Trinity Of Low-End Cologne


On a budget? Need to smell good? Having difficulty with the ladies? Have no fear, gentlemen. The holy trinity of low-end colognes is here to save you. Each one of these magical potions has laid their respective methodologies out in a clear and concise manner via their brilliant marketing campaigns over the past several decades. Simply slather yourself in any one of these exquisitely scented toilet waters and you'll be so inundated with females you'll have to beat them off with a stick. (Although they'd probably prefer you use something else.) Become man. Man up. Manhandle and manipulate your manhood manpower and manage your manliness like a man, MAN. Let's take a closer look...

3hree Things: The Holy Trinity Of Low-End Cologne

1) BRUT
Current Slogan/Marketing Angle:

3hree Things: The Holy Trinity Of Low-End Cologne
3hree Things: The Holy Trinity Of Low-End Cologne

3) ENGLISH LEATHER

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Current Slogan/Marketing Campaign: Man's Best Wingman For Over 40 Years.

Names That Didn't Make The Cut: British Saddle Sweat, Suede Baste, Musk Bucket.

Famous Spokesperson: Doug Flutie (the NFL's first midget quarterback).

Old Commercial For This Cologne That Makes Your Scratch Your Head And Vow To Never Wear It:

Wearing This Cologne Will (Allegedly): Bequeath its wearer with a variety of Js from every woman on the planet.

What This Cologne Supposedly Smells Like: A man. Also: "Classic & authentically masculine, this rich sensual scent is the signature male fragrance for those bold enough to express a unique style."

What This Cologne Actually Smells Like: A hobo with a leaky colostomy bag holding skunk farting into a bucket of paint thinner and industrial hand soap.

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