How Are the Huevos?

Illustration by Matt BorsThis month, Orange County might feel just a tad more testoster-riffic, thanks to the presence of ranchera singers Pepe Aguilar and Alejandro Fernández, who will perform this Tuesday at the Anaheim Convention Center and Aug. 26 at Verizon Wireless, respectively. Both proudly carry the macho torches of their fathers, Antonio Aguilar and Vicente Fernández, who exemplified Mexican manhood for nearly half a century with their corridos of booze, Madonnas/whores and horses. Still, the Mexican nation frets: Pepe and Alejandro have recently made forays into pop, a move similar to Tom Jones growing a vagina. So who remains the bigger macho? A comparison:

HOMESTATE
Aguilar: Zacatecas, the mountainous central Mexican state that's home to fair-skinned damsels, thundering tamborazo music and half of Anaheim's population.

Fernández: Born in Mexico City but raised in Jalisco, a mountainous central Mexican state that's home to fair-skinned damsels, mariachi and the other half of Anaheim.

¿ElMásMacho?: Aguilar. The Arellanos are from Zacatecas, gracias.¡Jaliscopela!

MACHOINTHEMAKING
Aguilar: During his first live performance, the then-5-year-old fell off his pony at Madison Square Garden and cried.

Fernández: During his first live performance, the then-5-year-old sat on his papi's lap and cried.

¿ElMásMacho?: Neither. Mexican men can only cry after the tequila bottle is empty—it's in the Mexican Constitution.

DOESPARISHILTONTHINKHE'SHOT?
Aguilar: No.

Fernández: Yes.

¿ElMásMacho?: Aguilar. Hilton's spider bites are poison.

POLITICALSTATEMENT:
Aguilar: Continues to boycott the Latin Grammys for their ignorance of Mexican regional music.

Fernández: Played Mexican revolutionary leader Emiliano Zapata in the 2004 biopic Zapata.

¿ElMásMacho?: Aguilar. He infuriated major labels with his stance—and we don't think the indigenous Zapata would've approved of the multimillionaire Fernández putting on the brownface to portray him.

SIGNATURESONG
Aguilar: "Por Mujeres Como Tu" ("For Women Like You"), a weepy confessional in which Aguilar confesses "There's men like me/Who can lose themselves in alcohol/For a deception."

Fernandez: "Loco" ("Crazy"), a weepy confessional in which Fernandez confesses he's called crazy because "the best of the stars loves me."

¿ElMásMacho?: Aguilar. Spanish songs are infamous for their outlandish similes and metaphors, but "the best of the stars" is a bit too purple, if you catch our drift.

THELADIES
Aguilar: Been married to his wife for many years.

Fernández: Notorious womanizer—cheated on his wife and his mistress.

¿ElMásMacho?: Depends on whether you like your men faithful or skirt-chasing. [Editor's note: he cheated on his mistress?]

CLAIMTOSHAME
Aguilar: Performed at the 2004 Reventón Super Estrella.

Fernández: Performed a few weeks ago at the 2005 Reventón Super Estrella.

¿ElMásMacho?: Neither—no self-respecting Mexican hombre would ever appear at this Woodstock for pussies.

HOWARETHEHUEVOS?
Aguilar: As blue as ever.

Fernández: Had a vasectomy after the birth of his fifth child.

¿ElMásMacho?: Aguilar. No comment needed.

PEPE AGUILAR PERFORMS AT THE ANAHEIM CONVENTION CENTER, 800 W. KATELLA AVE., ANAHEIM, (714) 765-8950. TUES., 8 P.M. $35-$100. ALL AGES; ALEJANDRO FERNANDEZ PERFORMS WITH MARC ANTHONY AND CHAYANNE AT VERIZON WIRELESS AMPHITHEATER, 8808 IRVINE CENTER DR., IRVINE, (949) 855-8095. FRI., AUG. 26, 8 P.M. $30-$128.50. ALL AGES.