Sizzlin Sibs

I'm a 19-year-old guy with a big problem. I have an 18-year-old sister who is very nice and very good-looking. We have been in love for two years. Our parents do not know. My problem is that she might be pregnant. If she is, we want to get married. Do we hide this from our parents? How will our parents react to this news?

PLEASE HELP!

First, help: call 1-888-307-9275, and the nice folks at Planned Parenthood will direct you and your sister to an abortion provider in your area.

Second, advice: as we've recently discussed in Savage Love, some sex play between pre- and recently post-pubescent siblings may be normal and healthy, and some genetic researchers recently signed off on first cousins making babies. But brothers and sisters? Falling in love? Making babies? I'm sorry, PH, but that's just fucked-up. So here's what you need to do: get that abortion, break up with your sister, and move the fuck out of your parents' house. Maybe once you get away from your sister, you'll you be able to form an intimate sexual connection with someone to whom you're not so closely related. Do you have any very nice, very good-looking cousins? As for your parents, I can't imagine they'll take the news any better than I did (I certainly hope not), so why don't you spare them the details as well as the three-legged grandchildren?

Grow the fuck up, LG. Your sister liked this guy well enough to date him for a month in high school; you liked him well enough to date him for four and a half years. He must have some redeeming qualities. Instead of berating your sister for befriending your ex—and excuse me, but wasn't he her ex first?—you should emulate your sister's ability to be friends with exes. It's a sign of maturity and the ultimate proof that you're no psycho bitch.

What if you managed to get this woman's phone number on July 4? If you got lucky and wound up dating, her protective older brother would inevitably find out. If he finds out on his own, he'll be angry that you're hiding this relationship from him.

So tell your friend that you would like to get to know his sister better. If he doesn't want to put you in touch with her, ask him why. Perhaps he thinks you're wrong for his sister for some reason; maybe you're an asshole, he can barely tolerate you and he only pretends to be friends with you out of pity? Or maybe he thinks his sister is wrong for you; maybe she's a psycho bitch and he has watched her chew up and spit out a string of nice guys. Either way, you won't know until you ask.

What the fuck is wrong with you, S&M? You've been handed this golden opportunity to embarrass and humiliate your younger brother, and you're hesitating? Look, the next time he beats off, roll over and say, "I'm awake, dumbass. Go jerk off in the bathroom." He'll feel mortified and ashamed and embarrassed and humiliated, and what older brother doesn't enjoy making his younger brother feel miserable? Not telling him that you masturbate, too, will compound his feelings of shame, so there's no need to confess your sins. Instead, you should be enjoying his sins and the misery-making opening he has given you.