[Summer Guide] A Guide for the Ghoulish Goth

For many Orange County residents, summertime means surfing, lifted-pickup-truck races, fake tans and bleached locks. But for Goths, summer can be a real pain—and not in a self-inflicted sort of way.

Everything is dark for a Goth—black hair, black fingernails, black-leather spiked dog collars—except for the skin, a pasty-pale white obtained by rarely seeing the light of day. Because of this, our Summer Guide won't really come in handy for our underworldly friends, so we're including some helpful hints. Below, you'll find three suicide-threat-free ideas for surviving the season while maintaining your street cred as a social reject.

A DAY AT THE BEACH
Just because the beach is about fun in the sun doesn't mean Goths can't have it made in the shade. The first thing to remember is not to swim with your fishnets on, or you might end up with the catch of the day flopping in your tights. Forget to bring waterproof mascara? Instead of going for a swim, spread your black towel on the sand under a giant umbrella—but remember to switch the part on your asymmetrical bangs to avoid unsightly tan lines. For a little romance, once the sun sets, try breaking out the leash and taking your gimp for a stroll along the shore. Hot tip: Black zinc always looks hip and keeps that pesky cancer off your nose.

BACKYARD BARBECUE
Because luaus are as played-out as the Cure's Greatest Hits, why not give your party a Gothic touch and throw a Hawaiian-themed séance? Slip 'n' slide into depression as Citronella candles pull double duty, attracting evil spirits while warding off mosquitoes. Try surprising your friends with a blood-filled Super Soaker ambush. Then bust out your coconut corset and hula to some death metal. Hot tip: For an authentic touch, try sacrificing a goat to cook on the spit. Or, if you're vegan, sacrifice a pineapple.

GOTH DISNEY DAY
Because the folks who orchestrate Bats Day in the Fun Park, the annual Goth Disneyland romp, have decided that August is too hot to be decked out in sweaty black leather, they've moved the dates to Nov. 8 and 9, a cooler time to celebrate the event's 10th anniversary; click up www.batsday.net for more info. But if you can't wait until the fall to scare some helpless children, here are some hot-weather tips: While waiting in the Haunted Mansion line all day and crooning, "It's a cruel world after all," be sure to hide your pasty, non-leather-covered parts under a black parasol. Hot tip: Baby powder can be helpful in easing chafing when you try to slip your leather pants over those sweaty legs. And it works on the face, too. After all, nobody likes a shiny nose, and the shade of white is sure to match your skin tone perfectly.