DEAR MEXICAN: How can I get my new Mexican girlfriend to calm down about Donald Trump and being deported? We safely live in a sanctuary city. I have no intention of just marrying her unless something horrible happened, but I want to help her out. She is a kind, rational human being that simply has bought into the fear-mongering that Trump is instilling in her. And, while a triple orgasm might make her feel temporary relief, how can I get her to realize that we are not in a place where she is going to get deported unless she blatantly breaks a serious law?
Good Gabacho Who Gives It Good
DEAR GABACHO: Wow, you're a special kind of pendejo. A sanctuary-city status doesn't mean shit to Trump or U.S. Attorney General Jeff Sessions, who is threatening to cut federal funding to such cities. Sanctuary cities can't stop la migra from picking up people for no reason other than they're undocumented. And the Mexican knows of cases in which people were deported for riding their bike on the sidewalk. You aren't Mexican or undocumented, and you're obviously some deluded wimp whose gabacho privilege blinds him to his supposed love's serious concerns. Are you sure you didn't vote for Trump? I seriously hope your novia breaks up with you and finds a real hombre that doesn't have his head up his culo. Finally, triple orgasm? The only girl's buttons you push is when you press "play" on Pornhub.
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DEAR MEXICAN: Over the years, I have worked with and gone to college with Mexicans who were usually Roman Catholic, Presbyterian, Latter Day Saints and other Christian religions. However, about 10 years ago, I was blessed to work with two Jewish Mexicans. What is the history of Jewish Mexican culture?
Goyim But Great
DEAR GABACHO: Very long story short: Jews accompanied Hernán Cortés in his conquest of Mexico—indeed, the man who built his ships was the judío Hernando Alonso. He was also burned at the stake in 1528 for practicing Judaism because Spanish Catholics were the ISIS of his day. Because of such terroristic ways, many Jews either hid their religion or moved to New Mexico, as far away from the Inquisition as possible. Flash-forward 500 years, and Mexico City now has a significant Jewish community, and Mexican Jews have long been accepted in the country's upper circles, with the coolest one being celebrity chef Pati Jinich. But not all is kosher: As I wrote in one of my first columnas back in 2004, "For instance, when a Mexican thinks someone is a slob, we call the person a cochino marrano—a dirty Jew. And don't believe your Spanish teacher when she pulls out the Webster's and reads that marrano means 'pig'—Webster's doesn't know mierda about Spanish etymology. Marrano does mean pig, but it was also the term used to ridicule Jews who hid their beliefs in order to survive the Spanish Inquisition." ¡Puro pinche parri!