Beware of the Little Green Temptresses

I find applying stinging nettles to my body highly pleasurable. I've tried the web for more information but either get herbalist pages or, when searching the wordsnettles andfetish together, I get directed to SM-type pages. I don't really go for that. Can you direct me somewhere where I can get advice? Are there any long-term dangers in exposing my "delicate areas" to the little green temptresses?

Seriously Twisted Into Nettle Games

First, the reason you find the "stinging nettles" kink primarily on SM websites, STING, is because stinging nettles hurt like motherfuck.

Second, Tracy Mehlin at the Center for Urban Horticulture at the University of Washington was kind enough not to slam the phone down when I read her your question, perhaps because she once knew a guy on a farm who occasionally lashed himself with stinging nettles. "I didn't ask him to go into the details about why he did it," said Tracy, "but there are some people who enjoy the effect." An hour later Tracy faxed me some additional info about the effect, which doesn't sound very enjoyable to me: the leaves and stems of stinging nettle are covered with tiny hollow hairs. When a person comes in contact with the plant, the tips of the hairs break off, stick in the person's skin and then, like a lot of little hypodermic needles, pump in a venom that makes the skin itch, swell, tingle and burn for hours.

As it turns out, STING, you're not the first person to expose his "delicate areas" to stinging nettles. The Romans thrashed men "below the navel," according to Rodale's Encyclopedia of Herbs, to improve virility. (Did Roman women object to being fucked by guys whose dicks were covered with tiny hairs full of venom? Alas, the men who wrote the history books didn't record their opinions.) And while occasional contact with stinging nettles—even below the navel—won't do you any lasting harm, "massive or repeated contact" with stinging nettles isn't advisable. So like all good vices—booze, boys, bacon—stinging nettles should be enjoyed in moderation.

Thanks, FART, you've really opened my eyes. All this time I've been enjoying regular, oral and anal sex, risking STDs and broken hearts and God knows what else, when I could've been snugglin' butts and huffin' farts. What was I thinking?

Sorry, kiddo, people do understand your fetish. They just think it's gross—which is not the same thing as failing to understand it. And while it sucks to be burdened with a fetish that most people find disgusting—it's not like you chose it, right?—you're not going to win any converts insisting that "regular" sex is somehow more disgusting than snugglin' butts and huffin' farts.

So how do you get some? That's a toughie. Most women are going to view your kink as disgusting no matter how you talk to them about it. What's more, the type of women who save themselves for marriage may be up for kissing, cuddling and heavy petting, but I can't imagine many will be down with ripping a few off while you snuggle their butts. The kind of big-hearted, game-for-anything women who might be willing to indulge you will probably make some sexual demands on you of their own—demands you won't be able to meet, since you're saving disgusting regular, oral and anal sex for your wedding night. So until you meet the woman you plan to marry, FART, you'll probably have to hire someone to do this for you. Then when you do meet the woman you intend to marry, hopefully she'll love you so much she'll be willing to put out—poot out?—when you tell her you're a fart huffer.