Hey, You!

  • The Magic Bus

    I'm not sure who to thank here—God? Allah? Luck? Jeebus? Gravity?—but whatever made my VW Bus not crash on a busy street, thanks. I... More >>

  • Semper F-U

    You're the Marine who wasn't supposed to live with your mother, but nevertheless decided to start living there, off the lease. She was a nice... More >>

  • Party, Pizza Party

    You're the asshole who had the audacity to leave an enormous mess in the private room at the restaurant I work at, just before another party had... More >>

  • More Than 50 Billion Assholes Served

    To the not-as-thirsty-as-you-looked dude I met at a McDonald's drive-thru in Anaheim: Could you not tell my day was already shitty by the fact I... More >>

  • Sicko

    A dying woman deserves her last request: for you to come clean. A mutual friend introduced us, and I was instantly smitten. Not long after, you... More >>

  • Musty the Klown

    Now, I like punk-rock clowns as much as the next guy, but not only do your gravelly, throat cancer-sounding vocals send shrieks of agony up my... More >>

  • Hot Under the Collar

    To the ignorant dumbass who didn't have his two small dogs on a leash at Park de los Vaqueros in Placentia one morning: You say you walk your... More >>

  • OMFG U R A DB

    You were the one who, in the beginning of our relationship, stated that too many people were addicted to their "technical devices," and as a... More >>

  • Bossypants

    Lady, you claim to be our manager? By manager, you seem to mean being in a good place yourself while the rest of us work like dogs. You help your... More >>

  • God Is Everywhere. Look, There's His Signature!

    Last weekend, my wife and I decided to hike to Deep Creek Hot Springs in the San Bernardino National Forest for the day—only to be greeted... More >>

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