Because its benefactor is George Argyros, its president is James Doti and its location is smack-dab in the middle of Orange County, Chapman University has a reputation for being a bastion of conservatism. That rep extends to the law school, where dean John C. Eastman has previously argued that illegal aliens are foreign nationals who are not protected by U.S. law (except if it is used to deport them), their children born on American soil should not automatically be considered U.S. citizens, and the Boy Scouts of America can justifiably bar gay members. Why? Forward thinker Eastman cited the Massachusetts Constitution of 1780, which found that a homosexual, by definition, is someone lacking in "piety, religion and morality." Eastman's greatest coup was getting John Yoo to spend his sabbatical from UC Berkeley last semester as a visiting law-school professor at Chapman, where he and Eastman vigorously defended Yoo's authorship of torture memos for the Bush White House. However, before writing Chapman off as Liberty University without the Southern drawl, know that the same faculty includes former federal prosecutors such as Katherine Darmer and Lawrence Rosenthal, who are tenacious, intelligent and, compared to Eastman, sane. Oh, to be a fly in the soup at the school's faculty lunch room. Anyone remember the commissary food fight in Blazing Saddles?