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2011 Stories by ANONYMOUS

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  • The Magic Bus

    published December 29, 2011

    I'm not sure who to thank here—God? Allah? Luck? Jeebus? Gravity?—but whatever made my VW Bus not crash on a busy street,... More >>

  • Semper F-U

    published December 22, 2011

    You're the Marine who wasn't supposed to live with your mother, but nevertheless decided to start living there, off the lease. She was a nice... More >>

  • Party, Pizza Party

    published December 15, 2011

    You're the asshole who had the audacity to leave an enormous mess in the private room at the restaurant I work at, just before another party... More >>

  • More Than 50 Billion Assholes Served

    published December 8, 2011

    To the not-as-thirsty-as-you-looked dude I met at a McDonald's drive-thru in Anaheim: Could you not tell my day was already shitty by the fact... More >>

  • Sicko

    published December 1, 2011

    A dying woman deserves her last request: for you to come clean. A mutual friend introduced us, and I was instantly smitten. Not long after, you... More >>

  • Musty the Klown

    published November 24, 2011

    Now, I like punk-rock clowns as much as the next guy, but not only do your gravelly, throat cancer-sounding vocals send shrieks of agony up my... More >>

  • Hot Under the Collar

    published November 17, 2011

    To the ignorant dumbass who didn't have his two small dogs on a leash at Park de los Vaqueros in Placentia one morning: You say you walk your... More >>

  • OMFG U R A DB

    published November 10, 2011

    You were the one who, in the beginning of our relationship, stated that too many people were addicted to their "technical devices," and as a... More >>

  • Bossypants

    published November 3, 2011

    Lady, you claim to be our manager? By manager, you seem to mean being in a good place yourself while the rest of us work like dogs. You help... More >>

  • God Is Everywhere. Look, There's His Signature!

    published October 27, 2011

    Last weekend, my wife and I decided to hike to Deep Creek Hot Springs in the San Bernardino National Forest for the day—only to be... More >>

  • Hook, Line and Asshole

    published October 20, 2011

    On several occasions, you illegally accessed our property to engage in your “fishing expeditions,” resulting in the (presumably... More >>

  • Not-So-Silent Partner

    published October 6, 2011

    You are the officious-sounding baritone voice that tells me five times a day that you are sorry I missed your call and appreciate my business.... More >>

  • Diaper Not-So-Dandy

    published September 29, 2011

    I didn't think it needed to be said, but apparently, some irresponsible parents have not gotten the message that it is NOT okay to leave a used... More >>

  • Gramps the Asshole

    published September 22, 2011

    You were the 50-ish asshole who was pushing around a couple of kids at College Avenue in Costa Mesa the other night because they supposedly... More >>

  • Getting a Rise Out of Me

    published September 15, 2011

    You were the guy who roused me from serene contemplation as I worked at my home computer late the other night. You stood in my front yard and... More >>

  • My Daughter, the 13-Year-Old Terrorist

    published September 8, 2011

    We opened a teen account at your bank in anticipation of my daughter's junior-high school's history tour of Washington, D.C. My kid and I went... More >>

  • Bluehair Special

    published September 1, 2011

    You were the "lady" who came to our yard sale last weekend and proceeded to mark down items by switching the stickers from $2 to $1. I saw you... More >>

  • Welcome to the Neighborhood

    published August 25, 2011

    I've been running my business from the same spot for more than five years; you're just filling in for your uncle, who's serving a stint in the... More >>

  • Passing Not-So-Fancy

    published August 18, 2011

    To the guy who entered the freeway and shot across four lanes of traffic to cut off a fast-moving truck and almost cause an accident: Thank you... More >>

  • Vintage Hate

    published August 11, 2011

    You were the kids in the F-150 truck who drove by and threw bottles at me while I was on my bike, yelling, "Fuck you, Bin... More >>

  • Roadside Assistance With Benefits

    published August 4, 2011

    It was a quarter to 3 in the morning when my car started to sputter, then stalled on a remote stretch of road in Coto de Caza. You were the... More >>

  • Hurry Up and Wait

    published July 28, 2011

    You're the guy in the big F150 truck, tearing down the 57 freeway, flashing your headlights in my rearview mirror while tailgating me because I... More >>

  • Mr. Misdirection

    published July 21, 2011

    You're the stumpy, greasy-haired John Wayne Airport employee who gouged me out of beaucoup bucks. When I drove up alongside you and rolled down... More >>

  • This Elephant Never Remembers

    published July 14, 2011

    You're the automated GOP push-pollster who calls me at the dinner hour. When you called with loaded questions aimed at supporting the Costa... More >>

  • Low-Rent Tenant

    published July 7, 2011

    You want to rent an apartment from me? Here are a few tips (which you didn't follow): When you come to my apartments, please park where it... More >>

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