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2009 Stories by ANONYMOUS

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  • [Hey, You!] Ambulance Chasers

    published June 25, 2009

    This goes out to the punk or punks who thought it was really funny to steal a laptop from an ambulance. I hope you are caught and beaten down.... More >>

  • [Hey, You!] Butthead

    published June 18, 2009

    You were the fat, ugly, oily faced, chain-smoking bitch riding shotgun in that Cheddar-ball “race car” (a neon-yellow Pontiac... More >>

  • [Hey, You!] See Dick Skate

    published June 11, 2009

    I understand you’re a huge hockey fan, but is it necessary to start your kid out when he still has a pacifier in his mouth? I’m... More >>

  • [Hey, You!] No, You Shouldn't Have

    published June 4, 2009

    You were the nice lady who asked me if I was okay while I was puking in the restroom of Bar Louie at the Gardenwalk. I don’t know how long I... More >>

  • [Hey, You!] Fuck That Noise

    published May 28, 2009

    This goes out to “Papi.” On behalf of your neighbors, I am compelled to inform you that you have shattered the sanctity of our... More >>

  • [Hey, You!] Out, Damned Spots!

    published May 21, 2009

    You were the lady carrying a red-polka-dotted baby into the bathroom at Nordstrom in South Coast Plaza on the Saturday before Mother’s... More >>

  • [Hey, You!] Don't Drinko and Drivo

    published May 14, 2009

    Don’t Drinko and DrivoLook, cabrón: I’m all viva la raza and shit. But you’re a disgrace to... More >>

  • [Hey, You!] Bond. Series E Bond

    published May 7, 2009

    As we all know, times are tough. That’s why I walked into my local bank the other day to cash an old Series E government bond that I... More >>

  • [Hey, You!] Robe Rage

    published April 30, 2009

    You were the temporary judge who presided over my girlfriend’s speeding case. Apparently, driving 16 mph over the speed limit warrants a... More >>

  • [Hey, You!] Lost in the Supermarket

    published April 23, 2009

    You are the nice man who noticed the confused, elderly lady in the busy supermarket parking lot in South Orange County. You had been observing... More >>

  • [Hey, You!] 1-800-BUZZ-OFF

    published April 16, 2009

    You are the carpet-cleaning company that keeps sending prerecorded messages to my mobile phone and my landline. I got tired of being hung up on... More >>

  • [Hey, You!] Circular Jerkfest

    published April 9, 2009

    I’m the 17-year-old who was, admittedly, messing with my little brother in an ice-cream shop. You’re the thirtysomething... More >>

  • [Hey, You!] One Pissed-off English Major

    published April 2, 2009

    You are the myopic driver who took out the left side of my car, which was parked in the UC Irvine Medical Center parking structure last... More >>

  • [Hey, You!] Dirt-Biking Dirtbag

    published March 26, 2009

    I was the mountain biker who crashed into the weeds last weekend to avoid smashing into you on a blind corner. Granted, I was perhaps going a... More >>

  • [Hey, You!] She's Just Not That Into You

    published March 19, 2009

    I’m not a practicing Muslim, and I never pretended to be. You, on the other hand, used your religion as a pretense to oust me from your... More >>

  • [Hey, You!] Love In an Elevator

    published March 12, 2009

    You were the gentleman who got on the elevator in the medical building in Newport Beach a couple of weeks ago with the bandage on his face. You... More >>

  • [Hey, You!] Talking But Not Talking

    published March 5, 2009

    I was behind you in the checkout line at the grocery store. In a loud, authoritative voice, you were describing the plot to a movie you had... More >>

  • [Hey, You!] Breaking the Circle of Life

    published February 26, 2009

    I was walking back to my car after eating lunch at Wahoo’s. You were the freakish blond woman with head-to-toe augmentation (fake... More >>

  • [Hey, You!] Wrapped a Little Too Tight

    published February 19, 2009

    You’re the clean-freak customer who walked into my Chipotle on a rainy Sunday afternoon. I’m the burrista you verbally abused when... More >>

  • [Hey, You!] Close Enough for Government Work

    published February 12, 2009

    I was among the applicants taking the Census test at the Long Beach Goodwill on PCH. It was a 30-minute, 28-question test, featuring things... More >>

  • [Hey, You!] Where the Rubber Meets the Roadster

    published February 5, 2009

    After a night of emotionally draining personal tragedy, I walk out my front door to let my dog poop while I smoke a cigarette, and what do I... More >>

  • [Hey, You!] Well, You Were Walking on a Bike Path . . .

    published January 29, 2009

    Granted, I was walking in the Long Beach bike lane, but that doesn’t give anyone the right to play bike-path... More >>

  • [Hey, You!] Forget It, Dude. It's Whiteytown

    published January 22, 2009

    Last night, I stopped a 16-year-old girl in the parking lot of Albertsons in Huntington Beach because she was wearing an Obama T-shirt with... More >>

  • [Hey, You!] Curb Your Machismo

    published January 15, 2009

    Talk about instant karma: I was driving to work, waiting for the light to turn green. It did, but as I let go of the brakes, I had to slam on... More >>

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