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2004 Stories by ANONYMOUS

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  • Sleeping Cutie

    published June 17, 2004

    Illustration by Bob AulYou don't want to talk to me ever again, and I don't blame you. But let me try to explain—once again—the... More >>

  • Reckless Necklace

    published June 10, 2004

    Illustration by Bob AulI've never met you, but I know everything I need to know about you: I met your husband frantically shopping for jewelry... More >>

  • Busted!

    published June 3, 2004

    Illustration by Bob AulI've been riding the OCTA bus to work since my beloved, antiquated Mercedes took a crap, but I have a healthy... More >>

  • Boob-Lift

    published May 27, 2004

    Illustration by Bob AulHey, you, with your fake boobs and your five-seasons-ago cowboy hat! How dare you come into my shop using a stolen... More >>

  • Dude, There's Your Car!

    published May 13, 2004

    Illustration by Bob Aul Where's the love, man? First, you guys tow my car (from right outside my house! My house!!), leaving me stranded... More >>

  • Ive Got Your Number

    published May 6, 2004

    Hey, you, with the expensive, ill-fitting suit and the luxury-car magazine under your arm. You are a creep. I've watched you twice now, hanging... More >>

  • Dr. Former Lover

    published April 29, 2004

    Illustration by Bob AulI've been with you for five years, off and on. We split up, I got married, but you couldn't live without me, so I came... More >>

  • Porn Again

    published April 22, 2004

    Illustration by Bob AulYou and I work for the one of the biggest Internet porn companies in the world, and I used to love my job. It pays... More >>

  • Boticellis Beetle

    published April 15, 2004

    Illustration by Bob AulFIGARO 3, April 1, a little after 3 p.m. on Harvard in Irvine. In the space of two red lights, you made me into an April... More >>

  • Sticky Buns

    published April 8, 2004

    Illustration by Bob AulI'm sitting there at the intersection of Commonwealth and Pomona in Fullerton, waiting to make a left turn. You're using... More >>

  • Photo Finished

    published April 1, 2004

    Illustration by Bob AulI was enjoying a nice dinner with my wife and five-month-old daughter at a restaurant in Costa Mesa. After ordering, I... More >>

  • Killing the Cat

    published March 25, 2004

    I remember the day you first brought your new Jag to my garage like the rest of the world will remember Sept. 11. You are a curse. You are my... More >>

  • Nashville

    published March 18, 2004

    Illustration by Bob AulAfter 10 days of sandbagging the rent, you left without warning. But you're finally gone, and good riddance. I have... More >>


    published March 11, 2004

    Illustration by Bob AulHang a crucifix from your rear-view mirror. Stick a cute little family of Jesus fish on the back of your giant SUV. Feel... More >>

  • Car Show

    published March 4, 2004

    Illustration by Bob AulAfter a hard, long day at work, I'm finally inching my way down the 55 freeway toward home, when you move your car in... More >>

  • Sock Er, Mom

    published February 26, 2004

    Illustration by Bob AulWe're stopped at a red light in our cars at a busy suburban intersection. You're in a gigantic, late-model SUV in front... More >>

  • Secret Ingredient

    published February 19, 2004

    Illustration by Bob AulYou're the guy who buys the blended drink I serve with the required smile and thanks. And what do I get in return? A... More >>

  • Mission Impossible

    published February 12, 2004

    Illustration by Bob AulFourth grade, 1983. The night before our California missions were due, I "borrowed" my brother's nice wooden box. I... More >>

  • Dot-Bomb Romance

    published February 5, 2004

    Illustration by Bob AulI appreciate your kindness—telling me what a sweet guy I am, that I'm attractive physically, emotionally and... More >>

  • Tailgate Party

    published January 29, 2004

    Illustration by Bob AulThe strike started several months ago. Like you, I was angered that (once again) corporate America was screwing workers.... More >>

  • Todays Special

    published January 22, 2004

    Illustration by Bob AulSo, I waitressed at your "family restaurant" for, what was it? Three months? And that's including the month I took off... More >>

  • Not Just Your Ass

    published January 15, 2004

    Illustration by Bob AulWhen we got together, you worked out every day. You said health was as important to you as intellect and spirituality.... More >>

  • Parking Sluts

    published January 8, 2004

    Illustration by Bob AulLook, I know you mean well, and that a position such as yours at an overpriced private university can be tough, but the... More >>

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