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2004 Stories by ANONYMOUS

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  • Hey, You!

    published December 30, 2004

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  • Merry Trashmas!

    published December 23, 2004

    Illustration by Bob AulThis goes out to the jackasses in the unemployment office from a soon-to-be trash-bin dweller. It says on page 27 of... More >>

  • He Likes Bush

    published December 9, 2004

    Illustration by Bob AulMy wife had a sticker on the back window of her car that read, "Impeach Bush." We were shopping in Hollywood this past... More >>

  • Thats My Yolkswagon

    published December 2, 2004

    Illustration by Bob AulAll right, assholes, listen up. Let me tell you two things you might not know. First off, not only did you scare the... More >>

  • Pardon My Lunch

    published November 25, 2004

    Illustration by Bob AulWorking in a packed-with-cubicles office, and after an especially spicy lunch, one must carefully pick and choose places... More >>

  • Tale of the tape

    published November 18, 2004

    Illustration by Bob AulThe smashed car window, I can fix. The stolen CD player, I can replace. The missing car key, I can fret about but deal... More >>

  • Nein-One-One

    published November 11, 2004

    Illustration by Bob AulYeah, you: my idiot neighbor who called 911 reporting a lost child. This child was carrying a morning newspaper he likes... More >>

  • I Just Wanted to Say PISS OFF!

    published November 4, 2004

    I thought you were different; you said you had changed/But what you really are is plain ol' deranged! You told me you loved me, then... More >>

  • Happy

    published October 28, 2004

    Here's to you, and your demise. I used to hate you, and believe me, sometimes it's still hard not to, but I'm starting to see things... More >>

  • Nickin Jessica

    published October 14, 2004

    Illustration by Bob AulIt's not that I'm a misogynist, not at all. I embrace the very core of femininity. However, this anti-love note goes out... More >>

  • Mirror, Mirror

    published October 7, 2004

    Illustration by Bob AulI was volunteering at the collection center last Sunday when you drove up in something more rust than car. You had some... More >>

  • Sticker Shock

    published September 30, 2004

    Illustration by Bob AulI guess you didn't find my "Re-Defeat Bush in 2004" bumper sticker as funny as I did. I'd only had it on my car for a... More >>

  • Good Dog

    published September 23, 2004

    Illustration by Bob AulHey, you: Remember me? The girl hosting her first garage sale? You were that crabby little lady in the straw hat who... More >>

  • Halo Unfriendlies

    published September 16, 2004

    Illustration by Bob AulYou and your buddy were sitting in the lower view section on the leftfield side at a recent Angels game. You kept... More >>

  • Pack Rats

    published September 9, 2004

    Illustration by Bob AulYou came by my boyfriend's sober living home one afternoon and ransacked his place and another resident's! In his closet... More >>

  • Cheapskate Of The Year

    published August 26, 2004

    Illustration by Bob AulPerhaps my fresh-pressed suit and designer shoes fooled you, but like most limousine drivers, I am not a rich man. Yet... More >>

  • Weebs Is Dead

    published August 19, 2004

    Weebs—your funny, syrup-smelling, runt ferret of six years—is dead. I washed her, along with the sheets and towels and underwear.... More >>

  • Burning Mad

    published August 12, 2004

    Illustration by Bob AulYou set three fires behind the Ace Hardware/Goodwill shopping center in Huntington Beach on three separate early Sunday... More >>

  • Stairways to Heaven

    published August 5, 2004

    Illustration by Bob AulA man could get killed going to the beach. In south Laguna, there are six county-owned stairways to the beach, and two... More >>

  • Reality Check On Aisle 4

    published July 29, 2004

    Illustration by Bob AulOur spirits are crushed, one chubby, middle-aged coupon clipper at a time. On my first day at Albertsons, the... More >>

  • LookIts Bridezilla!

    published July 22, 2004

    Illustration by Bob AulAre we really related? I wonder. If you were any other bride, I'd think you were reeling in all the nuptial attention... More >>

  • All Along the Wish Tower

    published July 15, 2004

    Illustration by Bob AulThey say that the fights in apartment complexes are so savage because the stakes are so low. And when they say that, I'm... More >>

  • Bless You

    published July 8, 2004

    Illustration by Bob AulThis goes out to all the people whose elevators don't go all the way to the top. And especially to the chubby woman who... More >>

  • Apology En Mass

    published July 1, 2004

    Illustration by Bob AulIt was a beautiful Saturday night when my boyfriend and I headed out to the Universal Amphitheater for a show. I had... More >>

  • Vaulting Reality

    published June 24, 2004

    Illustration by Bob AulI was worried when my sister told me she was dating a BMW-driving 30-year-old banker with a house in Laguna... More >>

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