Email Author ANONYMOUS

2003 Stories by ANONYMOUS

• Graphic Violence

  published June 19, 2003

  Illustration by Bob AulYour monthly newsletter goes straight into the trash; in creative firms, we look forward to the dispatch and rip it... More >>

• Mr. T

  published June 5, 2003

  Illustration by Bob AulYou'll believe anything except the inconvenient truth. When your brother ripped you off and blamed it on Mexicans, you... More >>

• Beach Fuzz

  published May 29, 2003

  Illustration by Bob AulThe residents of Huntington Beach would like to thank you for the kick-ass job you did on me recently. Thanks for... More >>

• Baskerville

  published May 22, 2003

  Illustration by Bob AulYou got a heads-up a month ago when your huge dog chased my mom's 13-pound dog under a car and snagged it by the leg.... More >>

• Girl Crazy

  published May 15, 2003

  Illustration by Bob AulTo every woman I've ever known: You are psychotic. Without your loving contributions the world might make some sense. I... More >>

• After You

  published May 15, 2003

  Illustration by Bob AulI should have known you were a loser when you started talking marriage after a single week. I should have known that... More >>

• WELCOME WAGON

  published May 8, 2003

  Illustration by Bob AulI'd like to welcome you, on behalf of all the neighbors, to our quiet, clean, picturesque little Buena Park... More >>

• Worst Roommate Ever

  published April 24, 2003

  Illustration by Bob AulYou have been atrocious beyond all roommates. Your obnoxiousness should earn you a place in the Roommate From Hell Hall... More >>

• Barfarella and the toxic avenger

  published April 17, 2003

  Hey, you! The latest in a series of dental assistants at the creepy office next door. You have TWO bathrooms in your suite, but every day at... More >>

• Asshat, Dickslap, Thief

  published April 17, 2003

  Illustration by Bob AulI've worked retail for years, and I know when I've spotted a thief. Case in point: you. My wife and I were in Best Buy... More >>

• Mr. Bigs Sack

  published April 10, 2003

  Illustration by Bob AulWhen our receptionist said Mr. Big was on the phone, I dropped all current projects and immediately took the call. After... More >>

• Pardon My French

  published April 3, 2003

  Illustration by Bob AulThis morning, I went to my favorite little café to get a bagel and coffee. As I was paying, you, the guy behind me, o... More >>

• RAT!

  published April 3, 2003

  Illustration by Bob AulAnd to think you were once Mickey Mouse at Disneyland. You are absolutely mental. You work in a pillow factory in... More >>

• Honey

  published March 27, 2003

  Illustration by Bob AulWhen you close your eyes at night, I want the last things you remember to be the feeling of your car hitting my dog and... More >>

• The Ass Bandit

  published March 13, 2003

  Illustration by Bob AulI understand that we men are a foul, disgusting and sometimes flat-out inhumane crew, but the latest shitstorm you left... More >>

• Park & Bark

  published March 6, 2003

  Illustration by Bob AulDon't get me wrong: I love noise late at night. A hundred people in my back yard drinking beer until 2:30 a.m.?... More >>

• Pop Off!

  published February 27, 2003

  Illustration by Bob AulAll you poppy poseurs walk around school like you're all punk and stuff even though you still listen to pop music. And... More >>

• Lender Bender

  published February 20, 2003

  Illustration by Bob AulRemember me, you mortgage-lending FUCK? I'm the girl you hired straight out of the university to become your "right-hand... More >>

• Frustration Translation

  published February 13, 2003

  I was with about 20 people at the foot of the Huntington Beach Pier, listening to the president's State of the Union speech on boom boxes.... More >>

• Sin-N-Out

  published February 6, 2003

  Illustration by Bob AulHelp me! I'm trapped at In-N-Out, the covertly Christian operation that secretly preaches its religion to you, my... More >>

• Spandex Man

  published January 30, 2003

  Illustration by Bob AulNext time you bang on the back of my car and pull up to the driver's-side window screaming every four-letter word... More >>

• The 4-Year Floor Manager

  published January 23, 2003

  Illustration by Bob AulHey, Mr. "Four-Year Floor Manager" at that massive guitar retailer! Yeah, you—with that lame pink button-down... More >>

• Love Letters

  published January 16, 2003

  Illustration by Bob AulDec. 23 at the Dana Point post office, waiting forever to mail packages in time for Christmas delivery. No. 61 had just... More >>

• Shoplifting Celebrity

  published January 9, 2003

  illustration by Bob AulI'm a recovering shoplifter, and this is my formal bid to join the ranks of Winona Ryder, Jennifer Capriati, Olga Korbut... More >>