Email Author ANONYMOUS

2003 Stories by ANONYMOUS

• The Stress Case

  published December 25, 2003

  Illustration by Bob AulI've been your manager for one year. I saw you take a three-month "stress leave" because you were being held accountable... More >>

• Im Not Your French Connection

  published December 18, 2003

  Illustration by Bob AulHey, frat boy! Thanks for practically hanging around my neck a sign that reads "WILL SELL POT!" Walking up to me in... More >>

• The Barkeeps Keeper

  published December 11, 2003

  Illustration by Bob AulI've been watching you pour drinks for weeks now, and I really admire the way you substitute cheap-ass well hooch for... More >>

• Fast Forward

  published December 4, 2003

  Illustration by Bob AulTo the blond teenybopper in the backseat of the white Jeep who yelled "Stop! Stop!" at me for no reason as I was running... More >>

• Parental Advisory

  published November 27, 2003

  Illustration by Bob AulSo you're the new girl, and everyone hates you. You think you're cool with your purse that an eighth-grader would wear.... More >>

• The Inspector

  published November 20, 2003

  Illustration by Bob AulWe've lived in the same apartment complex for years and always got along well with the management. Now you get installed... More >>

• Backing Up The Troops

  published November 20, 2003

  Illustration by Bob AulTo the geezer who so proudly crossed the picket line at Vons: yeah, I saw you telling the strikers they should be... More >>

• Kisser Me Again!

  published November 13, 2003

  Illustration by Bob AulYou: No costume at a Gilligan's Island party. Me: Thurston Howell III, bumping and grinding, dirty dancing with... More >>

• Your Mama

  published November 6, 2003

  Illustration by Bob AulLast week, my 80-year-old mom and I had business at the social security office on the fifth floor of an impressive green... More >>

• Super Crass

  published October 16, 2003

  Illustration by Bob AulTo the little twats who sat beside us in Section S, Row 12, at Radiohead's Sept. 25 concert at the Hollywood Bowl: I was... More >>

• Pigment of Imagination

  published October 9, 2003

  Illustration by Bob AulTo the dark-skinned teenage Chicano wearing the Confederate flag-emblazoned jacket: I wasn't looking for a fight. I just... More >>

• Gansta Killa

  published October 2, 2003

  Illustration by Bob AulYou: the intoxicated loser in the back seat of your buddy's parked car on a side street in Huntington Beach, yelling at... More >>

• Little Big Men

  published September 25, 2003

  Illustration by Bob AulTo the assholes in the blue SUV who drove by the bus stop outside the Cerritos Center on Aug. 29 at about 10 p.m.: there... More >>

• A Friend In Need

  published September 18, 2003

  Illustration by Bob AulHey, you: the fugly, butterfly-tattooed troll with ankles as big as your thighs. Just because you like to pretend you're... More >>

• Hosed

  published September 11, 2003

  Illustration by Bob AulWhen we met, I thought you were the very embodiment of Woman: sexy, smart, funny, sophisticated, playful and the most... More >>

• Hey, You!

  published September 4, 2003

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• Drugged

  published August 28, 2003

  Illustration by Bob AulYou were the guy at the Orange County Fair who gave me his extra ticket for the Roxy Music concert. Sure, I thought you... More >>

• Blue Crush

  published August 21, 2003

  Illustration by Bob AulI've been secretly in love with you for the past three years. From the moment I met you, I immediately knew that you... More >>

• Crybaby

  published August 14, 2003

  Illustration by Bob AulTo the dipshit whose four-year-old son started screaming in the Costa Mesa post office on Adams last... More >>

• Obi-Won Kenobi

  published August 7, 2003

  Illustration by Bob AulWe came into your Fullerton bookstore and you shadowed us, perhaps thinking we'd steal books because we have tattoos.... More >>

• Sign Language

  published July 31, 2003

  Illustration by Bob AulBeautiful summer day and you pass me on the right. Your huge, tattered American flag flaps in the wind from the back of... More >>

• Hey, You!

  published July 24, 2003

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• Yo! Hero!

  published July 17, 2003

  Illustration by Bob AulWhen I first saw you rolling through my neighborhood on the Fourth of July, I had you figured for another wigger. Was... More >>

• Barfarella and the toxic avenger

  published July 3, 2003

  Illustration by Bob AulHey, you! The latest in a series of dental assistants at the creepy office next door. You have TWO bathrooms in your... More >>

• Sex Advice Column

  published June 26, 2003

  Illustration by Bob AulThis afternoon I parked my car on a Laguna side street, about a foot and a half back from where a driveway broke the... More >>