Before you think (too) terribly of me, I'd like to state that I really like animals. So much that I don't eat them. My favorites? Cats, sea otters and ducks. In that order. And, chances are, I like my cat more than I like you. But when people started stuffing their ratdogs into T-shirts, polos and cable-knit sweaters that cost just as much as their own T-shirts, polos and cable-knit sweaters some years ago, I nearly lost my shit.

I'm not a small- yappy-dog kind of girl to begin with, and I understand sometimes said ratdogs are as defenseless and hairless as they are ugly and expensive, so they may need a little help keeping warm. Fine. But then I remember watching an episode of The Simple Life (can't watch VH1 Classic and the History Channel all the time, you know) and narrowing my eyes at Paris Hilton as she was stuffing her chihuahua (Tinkerbell, where you at now!?) into four tiny, pastel pink shoes. The poor little beast couldn't even walk straight afterwards. Too far, people. This is what happens when people have too much money. (This is also why animals attack their owners.)

I'm not sure when it all started, but in 2004, Tom Ford had dogs accompanying his models down the runway—veritable living accessories. And then all the fashion houses started following suit (sorry): Burberry (which is offering both a $225 dog trench coat and $170 dog parka on its website), Gucci ($125 black rubber balls?), Goyard (a red badger fur-trimmed collar whose price I'm too scared to look up), or, of course, Louis Vuitton ($1,770 monogram dog carrier?), and Coach (with a reasonable price range of $58-$88 a freaking collar).

I'm not going to lie—that West Highland Terrier in the tan trenchcoat on the Burberry website? Kinda sorta adorable—a mini-Inspector Clousseau! I'm puking rainbows just looking at it. Okay, you know what? If you feel compelled to humiliate your dog by forcing it to wear a pink tutu or velvet smoking jacket, fine. Do whatever you want.

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But what happened to Target dog clothing? They sell hoodies and raincoats and bandanas and hats and sleepwear and all sorts of other crap you can make your dog wear purely for your own selfish entertainment. And remember Old Navy? Yeah it has some crap for humans, but a $12.50 striped rugby shirt for your dog doesn't seem so bad in comparison to a badger fur-trimmed collar. I guess.

The owner of this Pomeranian (with plenty of fur to keep it warm in Southern California, I might add) informed me he has a pretty vast wardrobe for his three Poms at home. The greatest hits: a Spider-Man costume, a bumblebee costume, a cow costume, a Real Madrid Becks jersey and a green wool hunting jacket complete with toggle enclosures.

. . . Aaaand this is why I like my cat more than people.

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