Confession: I once tailgated a driver for four city blocks just because the bumper of his Tacoma was wallpapered with all sorts of fun stickers, such as "Bush '04," "Annoy a Liberal. Work Hard. Succeed. Be Happy" and "WARNING: In case of Rapture, car will be vacated."

I'm all about self-expression and all that, but I'm just not so sure the road is the best place to express that self-expression of yours, letting other people—who just happen to have 1.5 tons of steel at their disposal—know that you pretty much despise their abominable way of life.

While it's true for most that bumper stickers are just thatmuch more annoying when you happen to disagree with whatever they're declaring, it's also true I've been harboring this serious, indiscriminate hatred for pretty much any car décor in existence for years now.

No, I don't think that poor linear representation of Tinkerbell or Tweety Bird that's peeling off your window from all the sun damage is adorable, nor do I care that you're 99 percent Bitch and 1 percent Angel. Or a Diva. Or a Princess. Or a Daddy's Girl. And I'm pretty sure Calvin was agnostic at best.

Those magnetic "bullet holes" you've got on your Honda; that Angels baseball that's "cracked" your window; the cutesy, labeled, stick-figure family portrait (remember when people used to warn parents about declaring the names of their children to strangers?); or Sport Chalet license plate frame that announces you'd rather be trout fishing—I'd rather be ramming my Toyota into yourtailgate! How 'bout that?—aren't much better, either.

In theory, the bumper sticker and vinyl cling were created in order to promote a certain belief or philosophy. But I just don't think a 2-foot-tall "JESUS IS LORD" decal or "MAN + WOMAN = MARRIAGE" is going to be changing any minds any time soon. If anything, it's probably working against your cause.

Regardless of whichever side you're on, the declarative bumper sticker? Just a sanctimonious display of assholery. Sorry.

Politics and religion aside: This truck I spotted in Brea (where else?) is pretty much at the apex of brazen public displays of obnoxiousness. The black-on-black pickup with an oversized exhaust and tinted windows was emblazoned with a metallic silver text declaring that the dude inside is indeed a "SLUT MAGNET."

I wonder if any girls actually want to date the guy after seeing what he picked them up in. Or if he has a spare car at home to visit his mother in.


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