All this useless beauty: coming soon to a store near you. In Korea, just before just-in-time-for-the-holidays, a company called LG releases three new cell phones, the SD-410, the KP-4100 and the LP-4100—each with a breathalyzer, so Koreans can breathe into it at 3 a.m. to ascertain whether to booty-call their exes or drive home.

The question is, why do they need a telephone to tell them how lit they are, when their wives would do the job cheap—with a frying pan? On the head. Also, why do you need a breathalyzer on your cell phone? The last one’s easy: because they say you do. They say you need iTunes, video streaming, video games, cameras—and porn—on your cell phone too, never mind that your screen’s 2 inches square, tops.

It makes Shakira look like Tom the Dancing Bug—but the important thing is, Koreans are buying stuff—200,000 sold in four months—keeping the economy going and giving those nice people who do credit reports something to make themselves busy. And what good is a cell phone/breathalyzer if it can’t stop you from driving or calling your ex (and, as of this writing, it can’t)? Exactly.

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