COST: call for prices. WHERE TO GET IT: Le Image/Glamour Pets Photography, 779 E. Merritt Island Cswy., Ste. 784, Merrit Island, FL 32952, (800) 784-8772; www.glamourpets.net.
Maybe your cat isn't scratching up the couch like he used to, or maybe your faithful pooch can't seem to muster up the enthusiasm to sniff any more private parts. Sure, it could be a medical condition, but it could also be something all the veterinary science in the world can't cure: low self-esteem. Nothing banishes the pouty-pet blues like slipping into a tiny little wedding dress and having some stranger flash superbright lights in your face, and that's where Glamour Pets steps in. Transform your ugly, boring mongrel into a puffed-up, pampered vision of somewhat disturbing loveliness with a wide selection of backgrounds and costume themes, ranging from the John Wayne to the Jon-Benet Ramsey! If it's a really special occasion —one that, say, demands you dress up your Weimaraner in buffed-and-butch leather gear—you can use your own personal pet costumes. It's the perfect way to make that special someone feel like a real man or lady again, even after that little operation, and it's the perfect way to let your pet know you care—perhaps a little too much.
COST: $895 for basic service. WHERE TO GET IT: Genetic Savings & Clone, 3312 Longmire Dr., College Station, TX 77845, (888) 833-6063; www.savingsandclone.com.
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Some animals—Lassie, Rin Tin Tin, Morris the Cat, the Rally Monkey—are so special as to be irreplaceable when they pass on. But thanks to medical science and a rich Texas couple's stubborn refusal to acknowledge the way life works, you're just one step away from bringing your pet back from the dead—and without invoking any forbidden supernatural forces! An offshoot of the Missyplicity project, which is a privately funded $2.3 million attempt to clone a dog, Genetic Savings & Clone offers those detached from reality and willing to spend like it an opportunity to snip a sample of DNA from their beloved pet. Then in the future, when cloning is commonplace and scientists are more blas than ever about playing God, a perfect replica of your pet can be grown from that DNA, Jurassic Park-style. Sure, it won't be exactly the same—aside from having no memory of you or its past life, your clone could age and die prematurely, thanks to a spoilsport quirk of genetic engineering—but for now, it's the only way science has devised for at least part of that Rally Monkey to live on forever.
BURIAL AT SEA
COST: call for prices. WHERE TO GET IT: Heaven's Wings, 1634 Golden Gate Ave., P.O. Box 155, Dos Palos, CA 93620; www.heavenswings.com.
For the goldfish who never quite felt at home, the golden retriever who loved the water, or the pot-bellied pig that dared to dream, Heaven's Wings offers a chance for your pet to spend eternity in the loving embrace of the deep blue sea. A basic fee gets the remains of your pet sprinkled over the waves somewhere off Big sur in the Pacific Ocean, as well as a lovingly printed map pinpointing their watery-in-a-good-way grave that's personalized with your pet's name, the Global Positioning System coordinates of the drop and the release. Just pour the ashes into an envelope and send it UPS-insured to Dos Palos. You'll rest better at night, knowing the pets you loved are sleeping, finally, with the fishes.