Thurs/April 15 You know, College Nightat the Off Campus Pub, with a DJ spinning hip-hop/house/Top 40, sounds soooo fun. Cute little college kids, all firm and unclothed, just waiting to be seduced by a sophisticated grown-up like yourself who can buy dinner comprising neither ramen nor mac and cheese. You have so much to offer a tender young thing! But then you'd get there, and you would feel a) creepy and b) plain—and not just plain plain, but suburban plain. Oof. Also, you would be invisible (except for how creepy you were, which they would notice right away). 8 p.m. Free with school ID; $5 without. 2736 E. Nutwood Ave., Fullerton, (714) 879-8094.
Fri This is much more your speed. Hang out with those who are old like you as KCRW, the Orange County Museum of Art and Goodwill Industrieshost KCRW Nights, an exclusive night-time, swanky, hipster viewing of Picasso to Pollock—Modern Masterpieces From the Wadsworth Atheneum Museum of Art. But, of course, being as sophisticated as you are, you've already seen it. Show up anyway to hear KCRW's annoying limey Nic Harcourt spin, bringing out the vaguely liberal for vaguely liberal cruising that's even better than the Nerve.com personals! 7-9 p.m. $20 (must be purchased in advance). Orange County Museum of Art, 850 San Clemente Dr., Newport Beach, (800) 600-5279. Sat Bring your new vaguely liberal sweetie some organic coffee in bed, and then drag said sweetie to NORML's End the Drug War Rally. Even if there's no weed there, it'll still be a really nice day at the beach, as you join the growing movement to legalize marijuana use. Yippee! 1:30 p.m. Main Beach, Laguna Beach, (714) 928-9129. Sun If you've managed to hang onto your new vaguely liberal sweetie all this time, show your new vaguely liberal sweetie how versatile you are and take snuggles to Honky-Tonk Sunday at the Doll Hut. This one features Dave Gonzalez and everybody's favorite carpenter, Chris Gaffney. 4 p.m. $5. 107 S. Adams St., Anaheim, (714) 533-1286; www.dollhut.com. Mon I was totally sure that the fact I owned a cordless drill would be a dude magnet, but nobody cared, so I let it get all corroded. Then, for a while, all I wanted in life was a tool belt. I would be all sexy and nude and tool belt-y, and everybody would just die. Anyhoo, ladies, two days is long enough for a first date; you're wearing out your welcome. So say goodbye and come on down to Home Depot for Do It Herselfnight. Learn to plant a container garden, and then you can also learn to refinish furniture. Me, I will be refurnishing nothing. It's not like even vaguely liberal men have so much they do to help around the house; now we're gonna let them off this hook, too? Silly, silly women. 6:30 & 7:45 p.m. Free. Home Depot, various Orange County and Long Beach locations; www.homedepot.com. Tues "Hey," I told my editor, "It's Hurry Date, where single men and women ages 25-35 have 25 minidates in one night! Afterward, you write down the names of the people you are interested in and if their list has your name on it, you've got a match!"
"Twenty-five dates?" he asked, and he continued, because he is hilarious: "Isn't that a typical night for you?" Then I sued him for sexual harrassment, and I won!
Yay, me! 7 p.m. $37. Champions Sports Bar, Marriott Hotel, 18000 Von Karman Ave., Irvine; www.hurrydate.com.
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Wed Keep your eyes on my ba-bump ba-bump bump/And think you can handle this ga-dunk ga-dunk dunk. I would take my friend Cher to see Beyonce, Alicia Keys and Missy Elliott, but tickets are $50.50-$87.50, and I really don't like her that much. 7 p.m. All ages. Arrowhead Pond of Anaheim, 2695 E. Katella Ave., Anaheim, (714) 704-2500; www.arrowheadpond.com. Thurs/April 22 Buddy Seigal once said BR549was to Junior Brown as The Monkees were to The Beatles. You know what I say? I LOVE the Monkees! So come on out and see BR549 do some serious old honky-tonk, even though my friend Gary no longer sings with them, which is like going to see Sonny & Cher without Cher. They share a bill with Big Sandy & His FlyRite Boys, Cherrie Mae & Her Rocket Boys, and Rory Justice. $15. 8 p.m. All ages. Galaxy Concert Theatre, 3503 S. Harbor Blvd., Santa Ana, (714) 957-0600; www.galaxytheatre.com.