Okay: Heffron?!? How the hell did Gulmanlose to Heffron? That'd be like Notre Dame losing to Boston College or something. Whatever. I blame Jay Mohr. Fool us once, Heffron, but you're toast next season! See you in Brea.
Tonight: enjoy a bottle of wine—sans corkage fee!—at home and watch Fox ridicule the other networks with another one of their evil midseason knock-offs. What's next? Last Comic Loitering?
Now, I realize staying home is lame, but that's what you get when the higher-ups yank me out of the Beach Ball at 9:30 a.m. on a Sunday to write another one of these cursed space fillers. Turns out Commie Lady isn't back yet, or something. Whatever. I still blame Jay Mohr.
Tonight: I read somewhere that Barry Koltnow thinks Sutra Lounge, Costa Mesa's newest nightclub, is pretty nifty—that is, if you're into communal washrooms, hot babes and food that makes you want to have sex. Koltnow didn't use those words exactly, but that's only because he doesn't know what "aphrodisiac-inspired cuisine" means. And at his age? Pity. DJs spin club mixes, hip-hop, house and dance music. 10 p.m. Call for cover. 21+. Triangle Square, 1870 Harbor Blvd., Ste. 200, Costa Mesa, (949) 722-7103.
If, like me, you are absolutely loaded—or just pretend you are—then you know how much loaded people just loveto help the unloaded—or pretend they do. Today, join in on the philanthropic fun—it's the new Botox!—at Justin Rudd's 30-Minute Beach Cleanup. 10 a.m. Free; parking vouchers available. End of Granada Ave., Belmont Shore, Long Beach, (562) 439-3316.
You know what else we loaded peeps like to do? Spend money! Especially on the overpriced ironic hipster threads at Urban Outfitters! Fortunately, The Lab turns 10 today, and they want us to celebrate by eating free cake and listening to music. Oh, and by buying more crap. Noon-6 p.m. Free. The Lab Anti-Mall, 2930 Bristol St., Costa Mesa, (714) 966-6660; www.thelab.com.
Speaking of all things ironic and, well, crappy, I could spend 100 words right now and crack some thinly veiled joke about the Crossroads of the West Gun Showgoing on this weekend, but I won't. It'd just be too easy. 9 a.m.-4 p.m. $9; seniors, $8; children under 12, free. Orange County Fair & Exposition Center Bldgs. 10, 12 & 14, 88 Fair Dr., Costa Mesa, (801) 544-9125.
Instead, let's cast irony and, well, crap by the wayside and look to the heavens. No, really. Tonight, the Discovery Science Center presents Sunday Stargazing, featuring Dr. Bob Noss on the telescopes and Cassiopeiaon the snare. 8:30 p.m. 2500 N. Main St., Santa Ana, (714) 542-CUBE; www.discoverycube.org.
This next one goes out to all the mommas, baby's mommas and momma's mommas: sick and tiredof Junior and his daddy spending their days Tivo-ing the Olympics and drooling over Misty May and Mia Hamm? Do something! Send daddy over to me at the Beach Ball, and let Junior meet a Hamm to call his own at Major League Soccer's Youth Soccer Clinic. Visit www.mlscamps.com for times and fees. Through Aug. 27. McAuliffe Middle School, 4112 Cerritos Ave., Los Alamitos, (800) 689-6272.
Hey! Ever read our Calendar listings? No? You should. I get paid to do it, and lemme tell ya: it's a hoot! I mean, just look that the Readings section: the Skinny Book of the Month Club? Hiiiilarious! Even Mohr could learn a thing or 30. This month, they're reading Jack Finney's Invasion of the Body Snatchers. 7 p.m. Free. Barnes & Noble, 13712 Jamboree Rd., Irvine, (714) 508-9707.
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Want more laughter? Try this: Brea Improv's Christian Comedy Night. What's that? You thought only Jews were funny, too? 8 p.m. $10. 120 S. Brea Blvd., Brea, (714) 482-0700; www.improv.com.
You know what's really lacking in our Calendar listings, though? Art galleries. Why, just the other month, I yelled, "Hey, Commie Lady! When we gonna git some more art galleries? We needs more art!" Actually, that's a lie. While it's true that I yell at Commie Lady every day—even when she's not here—we have plenty of gallery listings. And when you read them, you learn about neat things like Dean(of Jan and Dean fame) Torrence's current exhibition of surf art at the Hyatt Regency Resort & Spa! Call for hours. Exhibit runs indefinitely. The Gallery H.B., 21500 Pacific Coast Hwy., Huntington Beach, (714) 845-4825.
My word, I really touched on it all this week, now didn't I? Mohr, Koltnow, sex—ew!—guns, Christians, Jews, rich people, stars, books and Dead Man's Curve! In fact, the only thing I didn't mention was a rock show. Silly me! Here: Xiu Xiu, Tara Jane O'Neill, Casiotone for the Painfully Alone, and This Song is a Mess and So Am I—a veritable Coachella tent in your pocket, this show is!—play tonight. 7 p.m. $8. Koo's Art Café, 530 E. Broadway, Long Beach, (562) 491-7584; www.koos.org.
Finally! Now, back to my whiskey.