West Nile got you down? Itching to get out of the house—and into the perilous world of mosquitoes, fragile elderly folks and certain death? Well, then! Take a tip from my dear Mama Reilly, rub a coupla Shout wipes over your arms—kills bugs dead, she says! Ink stains, too!—and head over to Partners Bistro & the Terrace for a little jazz and blues guitar action courtesy of Dave Cross. Who? Exactly. 7 p.m. Call for cover and age restrictions. 448 S. Coast Hwy., Laguna Beach, (949) 497-4441.
Speaking of David Cross, I've never quite understood why every twentysomething gal with geek glasses, a developing sense of irony and a jaded Friendster profile finds him dreamy. Personally, I think he's a silly, bald gnat. Who cares if he can play a mean jazz and blues guitar? Pal's got nothing—no thing!!!—on Fred Schneider, who is hot. Like, David Johansen hot. What's that? It's Dave Cross, not David Cross? Oh, well. Good thing Schneider's playing Vault 350tonight with The B-52's. Tin Roof! Rusted. Plus, The Messies. 8 p.m. $75. All ages. 350 Pine Ave., Long Beach, (888) 80-VAULT; www.vault350.com.
But wait! Before you go, be sure to get dolled-up at Hard Candy's Sugar Fixevent, where ladies in white lab coats will be on hand to paint you with eye shadows called Peppermint Patty and Jellybean. Bring a picture of Kate Pierson, and go nuts! Call for appointment. 11 a.m.-8 p.m. Free. Sephora Downtown Disney District, 1570 S. Disneyland Dr., Ste. 101, Anaheim, (714) 758-1700.
Kate Pierson? Hot. Jay Mohr? Not so much. Still, like Godor something, he knows the answer to what keeps me awake at night: Who the feck is the Last Comic Standing? So join me today at Barnes & Noble, where he'll be signing Gasping for Airtime—Two Years in the Trenches of Saturday Night Live. Or spare yourself the trip because everyone knows it's Gary Gulman. Right, Jay? Right?! 4 p.m. Free. 13712 Jamboree Rd., Irvine, (714) 508-9707.
Raise your hand if you like Sundays! Okay! How about birds? Fantastic! And, let's see, sickand injured migratory birds? What? You hatethem? Come now, that's a bit harsh, innit? Like Jay Mohr's career, these little ones need all the help they can get, and Susan Doggett— the Bird Lady of Orange County, that's who—has finally decided to do something about it. Meet her today at Crystal Cove State Parkduring her wildlife-rehabilitation workshop. Reservations required. 1-4 p.m. $20 (includes parking, handouts and snacks). Meet at the Los Trancos parking lot. 8471 Pacific Coast Hwy., Laguna Beach, (949) 497-7647; www.parks.ca.gov.
Afterward, catch singer/songwriter/guitarist Doug Haywood, friend and sideman of Linda Ronstadt, Warren Zevon, Jackson Browne, Willie Nelson and every other goddamned pinko you can think of—except, you know, that one—as he performs in the latest installment of the Cabin Concerts series. 7 p.m. All ages. $25 (includes coffee, tea, pretzels, cashews, cheesecake and automatic grounds for surveillance by the FBI). 28811 Modjeska Canyon Rd., Modjeska Canyon, (714) 649-0108.
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Surveillance just not cutting it? Feel like getting arrested? Well, here's your chance: Native Food's lecture "Vegetarian Kids—Babes, Tweens and Teens," where you can learn how to prepare kid-friendly tofu with a side of sauted communism. For the kids! 6 p.m. Free. The Camp, 2937 Bristol Ave., Costa Mesa, (714) 751-2151.
Aw. Miss the fam, do you, now that you're in jail? Shame. Send them to the Banned Book Club—this week's topic: Forever by Judy Blume—and you'll be reunited before you know it! 7 p.m. Free. Barnes & Noble, 7777 Edinger Ave., Huntington Beach, (714) 897-8781.
Hmm. How can I tie Back Alley Bar and Grille's Western Wednesdays(featuring Von Cotton playing country and western originals and covers of Merle Haggard, Johnny Cash and the like) in with the rest of this column? Crack another nonsensical West Nile joke? Nah. Retardedly swoon over Gulman once again? Eh. Reference Commie Lady and how elated I am that she's back from vacation this week and how I really didmiss her and that I am actually looking forward to her berating me, especially if it means that I don't have to write this damned thing any more? Why, yes! 10 p.m. Free. 21+. 116 1/2 Wilshire, Fullerton, (714) 526-3032.
What are you waiting for? Commie Lady is back, I said. So go pick up a new copy of the Weekly, read her assuredly hilarious column and then head over to the Orange Lounge, the new digital gallery at South Coast Plaza, where you can marvel at video works by Christian Marclayand Diana Thater. It'd be oh-so-very Commie of you, really. Thank you! Goodnight! 10 a.m.-9 p.m. OCMA Satellite Museum at South Coast Plaza, third floor, 3333 Bear St., Costa Mesa, (714) 662-3366.